An Apology That's Overdue
My mind feels weak
My mind feels heavy
Sometimes, my mind goes fast
Sometimes my mind goes so fast and i can't keep up.
My mind likes to play games
My mind likes to surprise me
Sometimes, my mind just stops.
My mind just stops and I'm so out of breath.
I'm so out of breath and I can't push it hard enough to get it going again.
The only part of me that seems to remember how to function is my chest;
Up
Down
Up
Down
Trying to keep the pace of my almost collapsing lungs.
My mind is the war zone in a battle between m depression and my anxiety
and i pray but the demons i need to repel aren't deterred by any deity
I get headaches and i imagine it's them tearing and gnawing at the remnants of my brain
their one goal to drive me insane
punishing me for smiling too wide or laughing too loud but deep down I know that the only thing causing the banging in my head is the lack of sleep.
One thing I am thankful for though is that my demons finally allowed my thoughts to go down pen to paper and not blade to wrist,
This is an apology to anyone I've ever hurt.
I'm sorry to have caused you any type of pain.
I truly didn't mean for it to be this way.
I didn't mean to spill my emotions onto your spotless marble floors.
I didn't mean to trample your flower gardens.
I didn't mean to soil your heart.
And I definitely didn't mean to cover your walls with my bloody hand prints.
I'm sorry.
I don't mean to leave black holes behind me wherever i go.
I'm torn between you all did this to me and I've brought this upon myself,
between I'm innocent and I deserve this,
between kill me and I am not ready to die.
I'm not ready to die,
but I'm not ready to live either.
Copyright © Farah Sultan | Year Posted 2019
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