New Becoming
You’re gone, well that’s okay
But where do I place my longing of habits that intertwined with yours and your belongings
My dependency for you drags
Sweating, suffocating
I wish you’d stayed, but really it was a blessing you went away
Yes we loved, we fought, and we reconciled so many times
I used to count the days of victory and peace between one feud and another
What killed me the most were the stifling silences
Eventually I would slug my way towards sending you a shout and resume our words
“I’m sorry”
It was always me who said this
I called it unconditional love
Cliched and desperate
That was I
The truth is I thought I didn’t know me, without you in it
You had to let go
So I could let myself in again
I couldn’t allow myself to love you anymore
If I had forgotten how to love myself
You really wanted to love me and left silently
I carried on holding the pain with a loud farewell
I only saw the power you had left me one day in silence
To love was a decision to change
Towards me healing
And finally let go of this destructive feeling
My shift didn’t appear from sweet brightness
There was a dark and arid shoving
Many truths to bear
So much unlearning
Facing my fragility
Battling my devils
My self-made perils
Until the memories eventually began to lull
Softly giving room for my new becoming
Copyright © Goldie Uttamchandani | Year Posted 2018
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