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Inside The Human Mind

Why do i miss you so much when i havent met you face to face.Can i really wait a year to see you ... when .. youre all i want and think about right now Not to mention the friends who once hung out with me alot.. keeps pushing me aside everytime i ask if they can take me somewhere just to spend time with them cause at home it seems ones always in the bedroom and one is busy watching tv and not being really that social and i feel more alone now than i did before and i dont know why i feel we dont really bond as much as we used to or maybe im just used to things falling apart after so long that my mind is making this all up... yet no one wants to show me its wrong i feel lost
People call me stupid alot and im not really sure if they are joking or being serious... i should be used to it .. greg my step dad used to call me dumb and stupid all the time .. so maybe they are being serious .. do they really see me that way
How do they see me. pathetic a loser not worth anyones time? I thought i learned the whole "who cares what they think" thing but this thought never really disappears
If my family really missed me or loved me youd think theyd call or text me more often. I really just want them to disappear so i can stop thinking about them
If i was worth it or if i meant anything my dad would be in my life and wouldnt have ditched me so many times Maybe thats it. everyone ditches me so now i wait until they do... what will i do then.. if they left  id be lost but whats it matter when im already lost .. my friends mean everything and i guess thats the issue id do anything for them base my life around them is that normal eh something is wrong with me Maybe this is just pent up emotions from so long ago when i started to realize i was the one no one cared about in my family and im scared this new family will end up treating me the same if i share the true side of me. if i complain too much if i cry too much if im too stupid or under taught will they leave and suddenly not care anymore thats what its begining to feel like 
What if i am really an attention whore all because when i was young until the age of 22 i didnt get any attention always pushed aside. now that i have it what do i do with it
Why do i always doubt when people say they care for me. am i really this scared to show people exactly what i think about what i go through every day in my head this... all over again every day.. will they think im crazy. or broken. i justt need to be fixed but no one has time to fix it.. whose suppose to help me fix me cant really do this alone, im kinda terrified to be alone. when i move out ill be alone. and i fear they wont talk to me much or id get the "sorry man were busy" or "sorry man didnt plan to do that" alot. i probably will in the end no one really wants to hang with me heh what am i kidding . i didnt and couldnt make friends in highschool what makes me think im worthy enough to have them now. Maybe i do need to go to the mental asylum. idk what to do been trapped inside my own head for a while .. the otherside of me.. is evil .. i call him Adrian Honestly maybe adrian isnt a demon maybe he is just a part of me i made up to cope with things when i didnt have friends and when i got real ones i didnt know what to do with him he became oddly real.. he has a face now. that of which he didnt have before. the one whose probably causing all of this. i wonder how insane i sound I dont wanna see adrian again, he makes me do bad things and he told me i have to kill myself .. what is he  how do i tell anyone about him why do i care so much cant tell anyone about it they will think i just want attention.

Copyright © Orlin Collier | Year Posted 2017

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