PAIN
This dull, heavy ache never leaves my heart.
It is a constant reminder that I’m not good enough, and never was.
It’s a reminder that my body still holds all the feelings that I’ve never been able to process throughout my life.
It’s a slow corrosion of my soul,
It’s slowly losing hope that happiness exists.
It’s grief, recognising that my soul is slowly dying whilst my body remains alive.
It’s yearning for the end, but never truly being able to disappear.
It’s fear that death may be worse than this pain I’m feeling, and thinking I’m going to burn in hell for all eternity,
But at the same time praying that there is nothing on the other side.
It’s the pain of only ever being able to see the ways in which I will fail,
Or the pain of only being able to think about the things that are going to go wrong and the pain of knowing that I can never make anybody happy.
It’s the craving that I will fall asleep and never wake up.
And that the afterlife for myself is pure peace and darkness.
But it’s also the pain of knowing how my existence and feelings cause pain for the people I care about.
It’s the pain of knowing that there isn’t going to be any good outcome from my life or my death.
It’s the guilt of never being able to truly make the people I care about happy.
It’s the guilt of not being able to keep my feelings and pain inside anymore.
It’s the guilt of feeling loved and embraced, and being undeserving of kindness.
It’s the guilt of wanting so desperately for my life to end,
And it’s the guilt of feeling the way that I do, despite having a great life that others would dream of.
And knowing that my friends and family want me to stay alive for them.
But most of all, it’s the guilt that I’m physically, emotionally, and socially incompetent to cope with life,
And ultimately, I’m going to let everyone that matters down.
Which demonstrates why I’m such an evil entity.
Copyright © Jasmine Scurr | Year Posted 2024
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