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Rio Jansen Poem
"Okay, tell me, who's gonna be next?"
said the writer of the too-long text.
"No, please, not me," said the lean noun.
"Cut that fat verb there, two lines down."
And they all watched with their faces vexed.
The women in my Viking village
don't like domestic work or tillage.
They get much more excited
when they all get invited
on raids to go plunder and pillage.
I once had a PE teacher from Lille,
who cruelly knew how to make me feel
like the sweaty, old rag
stuffed in her scuffed gym bag
to hide her cigs and butt plug of steel.
There once was a young man from Szechwan,
who thought his prick looked like a pecan.
He met Bertha Butts,
who was hankering for nuts,
so he gave her his pecan to chew on.
I said, "If you truly adored me,
you'd prove it by tumbling for me."
She said, "I can't today,
cuz I just tumbled for Jay,
and that gave me a really sore knee.
I asked this new guy, "Know where Jeez is?"
He says, "Don't even know who Jeez is."
"He's the only son of our boss,
always sports this big wooden cross.
So truly, one of the big cheeses."
Furthest I ever got with Anne ~ was
a tittle past the church of St. Stan.
And then she bolted from my car,
yelling, "This time you've gone way too far!
See if you drive me to church again ~ Dan!
I once saw a stripper in Raleigh
whose bulge made girls go, "Oh, my golly!"
And he'd jigger that snaky thing
into something as riveting
as the art of Salvadore Dali.
I once knew an old bookworm from Maine.
One day, the worm snuck into his brain,
and there, ate many a cell,
and much gray matter as well,
till he went wacky ~ which ~ is insane!
Last week, I near quit my religion.
I had lost faith, smidgen by smidgen.
Then, walking down Broad Way to Vine,
I asked God to show me a sign,
and I got shat on by a pigeon.
The bishop bowed ~ off fell his miter,
hitting Beth, then the belle beside her.
As he lunged to retrieve it, he just,
for a sec, snatched the belle by the bust,
and thought, "Dang! Shoulda grabbed'em tighter."
The lady was being downright crass.
She straight up told me to kiss her ass ~
then, tried to have me arrested,
for doing what she requested ~
planting a smouch midst her deep crevasse.
That night, when Adam watched Eve undress,
she saw what words could not yet express.
Underneath him, something went "boing."
Then, they heard a nightingale "soing."
And then Abel was conceived, we guess.
After making red-hot love to Beth,
I was nigh completely out of breath.
What she did to my tool
was too cool to be cruel,
and mighta caused a weaker man's death.
Everyone agrees that by and large,
I am the favorite beau of Marge.
She has many other lovers
who get treats under her covers,
But only I ~ get 'em free of charge.
She had a plane tattooed on her breast.
She said, "That's for flying East to West."
"And what if I fly down under?"
"That'd be a grievous blunder.
I'd have to put you under arrest."
When Jill and I vowed to go all the way,
we were both very excited, I'd say.
Till we got to the road less taken,
where we were both a little shaken.
Should we do Paree? Or just do Marseilles?
I went to a clairvoyant in Rheims
who could interpret all kinds of dreams.
I said, "I dreamed of a monkey
pinning a tail on a donkey."
"Soooo! You're obsessed with asses, it seems."
Ever wonder what it was like ~ for
Hans to shove his finger up that dike,
and prevent her roily spillage
from inundating his village,
and drowning each gent, biddy ~ and tyke?
In the medieval city of York,
I saw a baby deliver a stork,
and the young son of a wizard
chomp off the head of a lizard,
and feed it to the stork ~ with a spork.
I once had a neighbor named Rosco,
who did all his shopping at Cosco.
It's where he met his first wife,
who really cheapened his life,
running off with his best friend, Bosco.
Went to Lourdes to see if it could heal
my totally broken sex appeal.
Some old nuns glared at me askance,
but when a girl asked me to dance,
I knew for sure ~ this place was for real!
Cruising in her Hyundai Sonata,
listening to a Bach cantata,
she killed the overhead light
and mused, “For dinner tonight,
I'd love your twelve-inch enchilada.
Driving home with her best friend, Paco,
a studly guy born in Morocco,
she said, turning left at the light,
know what I'm hankering for tonight?
Your hot sausage in a warm a taco."
I'm a real pragmatist through and through.
So when she asked, "How'd you like to screw?" ~
I said, "Show me the plan.
What do you expect from a man?
And what can a man expect from you?
I always go where the real fun's at.
These days, that's usually Maggie's flat,
where this dinky girl with big breasts
entertains the evening's guests
with her pussycat in a cocked hat.
The French waitress scowled, "Ferme la bouche!"
The bum said, "I just asked for some juice!"
She said, "It's in my purview,
if I don't want to serve you,
till you first go home and take a douche."
Entering the park to meet my blind date, Charlotte,
I was awestruck by a beauty dressed from head to toe in scarlet.
And my opening line, as she sat on a wooden bench
was "My ~ you look so incredibly French."
At which she gushed, "I do?
I can understand it a bit ~ but I don't really parle it."
I ask, "Dear, what is this anger for?"
She shouts, "I just can't take it anymore!
Let's just say, our race's been run!"
"No! It's just begun. Je t'adore!"
"Sure!" She shoves me out and shuts the door.
I once got snubbed by a gal from Wales,
who took a rather dim view of males.
She liked girls so much better
cuz they'd never upset her
with made-up masculine-conquest tales.
When they questioned me that fateful day,
I said, “Please! I got nothing to say!”
"But you're our only eyewitness!"
“Oh yeah? But I was scared sh-tless,
so I was looking the other way!”
I went to my mother to ask it,
"Am I going to hell in a handbasket?"
She answered, "No, no, no, dear Chip,
you're going there in a rocket ship ~
for not doing chores when I task it.
There was a small boy from Nantucket
who tripped into a Honey Bucket.
A man, happening to walk by,
ran to help out the little guy,
saying, "That sure was some bad luck, kid."
I once met a child of the devil,
who in her father's fame did revel.
And boy, would she get mad
if you dared diss her dad.
Her rage would hit a fiendish level.
I knew a character named Louise
who blew up her world in one big sneeze.
When she opened her eyes ~ anon,
her entire world was gone.
And she cried, "My dear world! Come back, please!"
If I couldn't write her a new poem,
my wife said, "Then, don't even come home!
If that's something you cannot do,
then, really ~ of what use are you?
I'll spent my nights with the garden gnome."
When we became teenage lovers,
we tried to create a new universe under the covers.
But our first big bang
didn't amount to a dang ~
a disappointment many a young lover discovers.
A young woman from Glascow named Myrtle
was as strong as the shell of a turtle.
Once, when an intruder snuck in,
she bare-knuckled his glassy chin,
then floored him with her iron girdle.
So, yeah, hi ~ I'm that girl from Peru.
And I've written a limerick too.
Here's to all of you jerks
who made fun of my quirks:
a deeply sincere, heartfelt "pfhuck you!"
Copyright © Rio Jansen | Year Posted 2025
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Details |
Rio Jansen Poem
In most of my verse, my simple aim
is just sorta to enter tame.
Then, once inside ~
go completely hog wild ~
showing no reserve,
showing absolutely no shame.
"What do you think of my pup?",
I asked a cop as he was writing me up.
"Nice, from what I can see,
but you shouldn't have let him pee,
in this poor guy's donation cup."
In my mind, I've made love to many a frau.
As a matter of fact, I'm making love to one now.
And as she’s sitting at the bar grinning,
she has no idea of her part in my sinning.
But if she did, she might just say, "Oh, wow!"
On the beach, I watch young ladies fiddle
trying to get their bikini thongs to stay right in the middle.
Heaven forbid anyone would see
anymore of their sacred privacy.
So they move their thongs, now to the left, now to the right a little.
People who can't afford the basics that they need
are among the most hopeless people in the world, indeed.
So please! Give them a hand…
(Sound of people clapping)
I once knew this guy named Lou Lenard,
who was not only a great butcher, but also a great bard.
Whenever he slit open a sow ~
I can still hear it now ~ him singing,
"Mine eyes have seen the coming of the gory of the lard."
Over the years, my eyes have deteriorated plenty.
It’s been a long time since they were twenty-twenty.
Tonight, when my wife took off her bra,
instead of two boobies, what I actually saw
was two boobies too many.
She said, “Why are you in such a deep funk?
You used to be such a fun-loving hunk.
But now when I grab hold of your rudder,
all your engine does is go sputter, sputter, sputter,
and then stalls out with a clattery clunk-a-dee-clunk.
There once was a rich woman from Montreal,
who decided to throw a big Halloween ball
at a kid in the street
with no shoes on his feet
who didn't even know how to dance at all.
When I read your resume,
I didn't know what to say.
You'd listed your mother
as your significant other,
and requested every day off
in lieu of benefits and pay.
Whenever I feel sick, the best ointment
is to make an immediate doctor's appointment.
because from that moment on,
all the symptoms will be gone,
which, for a hypochondriac like me, is a real disappointment.
I presume you're the lady of the house?
May I ask you to please put on a blouse?
I'm here to inquire
about a call that came in about smoke but no fire.
Did that call come from you ~ or was it perhaps from your partner ~ or spouse?
Mini asked Mickey,
“How can you love me, if you don't even have a dicky?”
Mickey answered, "Mini, my gal,
love you dearly, I shall,
and you can go to Goofy if you ever need a quicky.”
That yellow line in the middle of the road
was the end of the line for what appears to be a rather big toad.
The toad probably had no idea when it was hopping,
that that 5-ton semi-truck had zero intention of stopping,
till perhaps a few seconds before it was destined to explode.
My favorite mode of transportation
is to walk to the Brussels train station,
buy some gum, get on a train,
then ride all the way from Belgium to Spain,
just because I like that chew-choo sensation.
I said to her lawyer,
“No, I'm not a voyeur!
Her blinds were completely up,
so I could clearly see that her pup
was licking her in foyer.”
You should never serve watermelon
to any convicted felon,
because they might take the seeds of the fruit
and aim it at the guards and shoot,
and as to the consequences of that, there just ain't no tellin'.
"I'm outta here, see ya later,"
yelled the sink at the refrigerator,
and the screaming microwave did follow,
as did the shrieking stove, flying out through a hollow,
torn open by a twister gutting a kitchen in Decatur.
During the Jurassic period, every once and a while,
you coulda seen a sated group of dinosaurs smile.
But that usually happened only
after they'd been munching on something fleshy and bony
and had been lying around picking their teeth for a while.
No, I can’t say I ever knew
the one who flew over the cuckoo’s nest, did you?
And it's probably all for the best,
cuz, if we'd known him before his arrest,
he might've gotten us to fly over the cuckoo’s nest, too.
Sometimes a poem turns on the absurd,
like that one there, with that pink elephant
flying on the back of that lime-green bird.
It's like a scene painted by Marc Chagall
who, as we know, was the grandmaster of all
who pictured things that never actually occurred.
Tweedledee and Tweedledum ~
two, cool cats from the town I'm from.
One went into business, the other into law ~
two, fine fellows, highly thought of by my ma,
who's still peeved I followed in the footsteps of my pa.
Oh, you think I'm not serious?
Yes, I find that hilarious!
Have you read my work front to back?
And you still persist in this attack?
They used to send guys like you to Siberious!
Oh, grab me by my face,
and guide it down onto your white, frilly lace.
Let me see the whole of your bottom,
oh, Hillary Clinton Rodham,
and tell me about every potentate
who’s come to visit this sacred place.
On the night that we fell in love,
you said, “Let’s go outside and count the stars above.”
And after you’d counted twenty,
you said, "Okay, that's probably plenty,"
and I said, "Are you kidding! That's hardly any ~ sort of!"
The survey asked me to rate you from one to ten.
But ~ I forgot ~ what am I rating you for again?
For the way you tried to fix
my broken fiddlesticks?
But they’re not fixed! They still only work every now and then.
I asked her, "Why you so stingy with your kisses?"
She said, "That's the prerogative of any Miss or Mrs.
If a girl don't wanna kiss,
that's just the way it is."
I said, “It's bunk, that's what that is.”
When I walked in on a friend I'd never seen naked before,
she smiled slyly and asked, "How do you like the decor?"
I said, "I do like the hills,
and your Grand Canyon instills
a euphoria I haven't felt since of yore.”
After you made me take off all of my clothes,
and examined me from my head to my toes,
I saw you ponder, and I heard you conclude,
that I probably looked best ~ semi-nude.
Nope! I don't think your saying this is in any way rude.
Every idiot knows that Transylvania
is located in the country of Romania!
So why did you say,
live on Jeopardy yesterday,
"Mr Trebek, 'What is Albania?'"
He never thought ~ therefore, he would never be
according to René Descartes' philosophy.
He was a complete nonbeing,
never hearing, never seeing,
Kinda like most of the rest of humanity.
When you stood on the street à la Marilyn Monroe,
I'm sure your boyfriend will be glad to know,
that no one saw your panty -
cuz you weren't wearing any -
as, with a feigned embarrassment, you sang out - "Hwhoa!"
There was great joy in the chicken cage.
The old hen had been removed because of her age.
And now all of us spring chickens
could again romp around like the dickens,
without having to watch that old bag continually fly into an impetuous rage.
My parents had way too many kids.
They should've stopped just before me.
Then, I could've experienced
what it feels like not to be.
In God we trust
that he'll turn our enemies to dust.
And to those that we oppose,
he'll rip off their nose
and their skulls he'll bust.
And when he’s through,
with me and you,
he’ll do the boogie-woo.
Wish we woulda had a cherry tree,
or an apple, or a peach.
Or, if we'd been really lucky ~
several of each.
We coulda sold the fruit to pay the mortgage
and not have had the money shortage
that forced us to sell our house, our home.
And then I mightn’t’ve been compelled
to write this stupid, little poem.
Copyright © Rio Jansen | Year Posted 2025
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