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Rio Jansen Poem
"Okay, tell me, who's gonna be next?"
said the writer of the too-long text.
"No, please, not me," said the lean noun.
"Cut that fat verb there, two lines down."
And they all watched with their faces vexed.
The women in my Viking village
don't like domestic work or tillage.
They get much more excited
when they all get invited
on raids to go plunder and pillage.
I once had a PE teacher from Lille,
who cruelly knew how to make me feel
like the sweaty, old rag
stuffed in her scuffed gym bag
to hide her cigs and butt plug of steel.
There once was a young man from Szechwan,
who thought his prick looked like a pecan.
He met Bertha Butts,
who was hankering for nuts,
so he gave her his pecan to chew on.
I said, "If you truly adored me,
you'd prove it by tumbling for me."
She said, "I can't today,
cuz I just tumbled for Jay,
and that gave me a really sore knee.
I asked this new guy, "Know where Jeez is?"
He says, "Don't even know who Jeez is."
"He's the only son of our boss,
always sports this big wooden cross.
So truly, one of the big cheeses."
Furthest I ever got with Anne ~ was
a tittle past the church of St. Stan.
And then she bolted from my car,
yelling, "This time you've gone way too far!
See if you drive me to church again ~ Dan!
I once saw a stripper in Raleigh
whose bulge made girls go, "Oh, my golly!"
And he'd jigger that snaky thing
into something as riveting
as the art of Salvadore Dali.
I once knew an old bookworm from Maine.
One day, the worm snuck into his brain,
and there, ate many a cell,
and much gray matter as well,
till he went wacky ~ which ~ is insane!
Last week, I near quit my religion.
I had lost faith, smidgen by smidgen.
Then, walking down Broad Way to Vine,
I asked God to show me a sign,
and I got shat on by a pigeon.
The bishop bowed ~ off fell his miter,
hitting Beth, then the belle beside her.
As he lunged to retrieve it, he just,
for a sec, snatched the belle by the bust,
and thought, "Dang! Shoulda grabbed'em tighter."
The lady was being downright crass.
She straight up told me to kiss her ass ~
then, tried to have me arrested,
for doing what she requested ~
planting a smouch midst her deep crevasse.
That night, when Adam watched Eve undress,
she saw what words could not yet express.
Underneath him, something went "boing."
Then, they heard a nightingale "soing."
And then Abel was conceived, we guess.
After making red-hot love to Beth,
I was nigh completely out of breath.
What she did to my tool
was too cool to be cruel,
and mighta caused a weaker man's death.
Everyone agrees that by and large,
I am the favorite beau of Marge.
She has many other lovers
who get treats under her covers,
But only I ~ get 'em free of charge.
She had a plane tattooed on her breast.
She said, "That's for flying East to West."
"And what if I fly down under?"
"That'd be a grievous blunder.
I'd have to put you under arrest."
When Jill and I vowed to go all the way,
we were both very excited, I'd say.
Till we got to the road less taken,
where we were both a little shaken.
Should we do Paree? Or just do Marseilles?
I went to a clairvoyant in Rheims
who could interpret all kinds of dreams.
I said, "I dreamed of a monkey
pinning a tail on a donkey."
"Soooo! You're obsessed with asses, it seems."
Ever wonder what it was like ~ for
Hans to shove his finger up that dike,
and prevent her roily spillage
from inundating his village,
and drowning each gent, biddy ~ and tyke?
In the medieval city of York,
I saw a baby deliver a stork,
and the young son of a wizard
chomp off the head of a lizard,
and feed it to the stork ~ with a spork.
I once had a neighbor named Rosco,
who did all his shopping at Cosco.
It's where he met his first wife,
who really cheapened his life,
running off with his best friend, Bosco.
Went to Lourdes to see if it could heal
my totally broken sex appeal.
Some old nuns glared at me askance,
but when a girl asked me to dance,
I knew for sure ~ this place was for real!
Cruising in her Hyundai Sonata,
listening to a Bach cantata,
she killed the overhead light
and mused, “For dinner tonight,
I'd love your twelve-inch enchilada.
Driving home with her best friend, Paco,
a studly guy born in Morocco,
she said, turning left at the light,
know what I'm hankering for tonight?
Your hot sausage in a warm a taco."
I'm a real pragmatist through and through.
So when she asked, "How'd you like to screw?" ~
I said, "Show me the plan.
What do you expect from a man?
And what can a man expect from you?
I always go where the real fun's at.
These days, that's usually Maggie's flat,
where this dinky girl with big breasts
entertains the evening's guests
with her pussycat in a cocked hat.
The French waitress scowled, "Ferme la bouche!"
The bum said, "I just asked for some juice!"
She said, "It's in my purview,
if I don't want to serve you,
till you first go home and take a douche."
Entering the park to meet my blind date, Charlotte,
I was awestruck by a beauty dressed from head to toe in scarlet.
And my opening line, as she sat on a wooden bench
was "My ~ you look so incredibly French."
At which she gushed, "I do?
I can understand it a bit ~ but I don't really parle it."
I ask, "Dear, what is this anger for?"
She shouts, "I just can't take it anymore!
Let's just say, our race's been run!"
"No! It's just begun. Je t'adore!"
"Sure!" She shoves me out and shuts the door.
I once got snubbed by a gal from Wales,
who took a rather dim view of males.
She liked girls so much better
cuz they'd never upset her
with made-up masculine-conquest tales.
When they questioned me that fateful day,
I said, “Please! I got nothing to say!”
"But you're our only eyewitness!"
“Oh yeah? But I was scared sh-tless,
so I was looking the other way!”
I went to my mother to ask it,
"Am I going to hell in a handbasket?"
She answered, "No, no, no, dear Chip,
you're going there in a rocket ship ~
for not doing chores when I task it.
There was a small boy from Nantucket
who tripped into a Honey Bucket.
A man, happening to walk by,
ran to help out the little guy,
saying, "That sure was some bad luck, kid."
I once met a child of the devil,
who in her father's fame did revel.
And boy, would she get mad
if you dared diss her dad.
Her rage would hit a fiendish level.
I knew a character named Louise
who blew up her world in one big sneeze.
When she opened her eyes ~ anon,
her entire world was gone.
And she cried, "My dear world! Come back, please!"
If I couldn't write her a new poem,
my wife said, "Then, don't even come home!
If that's something you cannot do,
then, really ~ of what use are you?
I'll spent my nights with the garden gnome."
When we became teenage lovers,
we tried to create a new universe under the covers.
But our first big bang
didn't amount to a dang ~
a disappointment many a young lover discovers.
A young woman from Glascow named Myrtle
was as strong as the shell of a turtle.
Once, when an intruder snuck in,
she bare-knuckled his glassy chin,
then floored him with her iron girdle.
So, yeah, hi ~ I'm that girl from Peru.
And I've written a limerick too.
Here's to all of you jerks
who made fun of my quirks:
a deeply sincere, heartfelt "pfhuck you!"
Copyright © Rio Jansen | Year Posted 2025
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