Ed was at the end of his rope, an expression he detested. "
There is norope!" he would scream at the laughing walls. "
There is only the end.
No hope, no rope. Ending is better than mending. Doors of perception,windows of opportunity -- these are illusions, like the killing floor."
Ed spoke in a squeaky whiny voice with perhaps a slight tinge of glee,but this was only because he couldn't be bothered to try to develop amanner of speaking that truly reflected his mood. "
This is a vaccuum.
There is no air in this room. Despair is no fun anymore. Nihilismknocked three times on the ceiling, but the rosy fingers of dawn alwaysinserted themselves in the nose of unfulfilled promises. Angels sang
Heysanna Hosanna, paralyzed prima-donnas danced in the streets all day,but when darkness came, everybody went home. I was ready - everyoneelse was asleep. And while it may have been a relief to see that I wasright all along, here I am still: alone and trapped, awaiting theendless end. And I can turn it all around, and laugh at it and laugh atmyself; I can laugh louder than the walls, the halls the waterfalls,louder than Charles de Gaul or Fulton Mall, but I don't know what I'mlaughing at, I don't know just what I think is so goddamn funny. Idon't know why I don't just shut up and give up and lay down and die.
What do I have to complain about anyway," Ed asked his Picasso, "I'm amillionaire!" This wasn't exactly true. Ed's Picasso was an obviousforgery, his three Rothkos had just been singled out in an article in
ARTFORUM entitled "
The three most insignificant paintings of Mark
Rothko," and his Barbara Kruegers had been irreparably damaged by Rein
Sanction and a few other bands from Gainesville that refused toacknowledge the value of art."
Come to think of it," Ed mused to the laminated roadkill coffee tablethat he had purchased when times had seemed slightly less bleak, "
Cometo think of it, not onl does art have no intrinsic value, but mycollection has no extrinsic value either. I know I'm not a millionaire,but that's no reason to complain. There is no reason to complain.
There is no reason to do anything. I don't believe in reason, objectivereality, or collective farming. I don't believe in public speaking,which is another reason why I'm here alone. I don't believe in life ordeath, I would kill myself, but I don't believe in suicide." Ed put ona red shirt and took a quick walk around the block while whistlingsoftly to himself. He reentered his apartment screaming, "
There is nolife on this planet! Jehovah-
One replaced all life with machinery fivecenturies ago. the so-called industrial revolution was just anotherhoax and we all fell for it, 'cause we were all programmed to. Even Ifell for it, I believe in the steam engine, even though I don't believein anything. Logical inconsistency is the Mr. bubble I bathe in eachand every evening, except for yesterday evening, when I rollerbladedover to the Masonic temple to play pinochle with Pope John Paul the
First. I really had no choice in the matter." "
Ed certainly could goon and on, and he did, and he would, and he will, until you or I orsomebody does something about it." Senator Sterno of Arkansas announcedover closed circuit television. "
And as long as he continues topontificate pointlessly, I will do nothing." Ed walked away from theprogram feeling fortified and stapled. His brain was buzzing, the wasit always did just after Jeopardy. He loaded up the microbus with
Atlases and poseidons and headed for Pope county."I've had it." He sang, "I've had it with puns, alliteration, russianliterature, Italian neorealism, meaningless cross references and laundrylists of nonsense. I shall dive without a license, without clothing,without direction and if I make it to Louisiana, fine, and if I'mrunning late, if I'm running a numbers game, it doesn't matter, I shallkeep on running. Yes, this is the answer. This is the ending, I shallkeep on running, because a body in motion tends to stay emotional, andit's better to feel. Pain is better than emptiness, emptiness is betterthan nothing, and nothing is better than this."
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