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i used to think that love wasn’t for me
i thought it was pathetic how someone could devote themselves to catching the attention of some guy,
how someone could build their entire identity around a man,
carefully curating themselves to satisfy the wants and needs of a stranger,
a momentary visitor,
a temporary companion,
they find someone, anyone who looks attractive
they don’t know a thing about him but at least he’s hot
they chip away at themselves,
chisel their personalities down,
until they’ve been manufactured into this perfect little version of themselves that they wouldn’t even recognise anymore,
they tear themselves apart only to hand over the pieces and call themselves desirable
pretending not to care each time his name lights up their screen,
unbeknownst to the fact that their face lights up right along with it,
laughing a little louder at jokes they would usually have ignored,
every outfit worn with him in mind,
every selfie posted hoping he sees it
and perhaps this is the part i never really understood,
how easily someone could change themselves entirely for the smallest chance of being chosen
i used to think it was pathetic,
i still do,
but sometimes i wonder,
while they’re doing their makeup and getting their hair done,
what it would feel like to have a single name pop up on your screen and your day is made,
what it would feel like to have someone to come home to,
to have someone by your side through it all
and then i think to myself that maybe, just maybe
it’s not love that they’re obsessed with,
it’s simply being wanted by another person,
experiencing the strange comfort of seeing the world fall apart in front of you, knowing that nothing could truly be wrong while that one person is by your side
and maybe that’s what i never understood,
maybe i only called it pathetic because i had never known what it felt like to want something, and believe you might actually be able to get it
because it’s easy to think something isn’t for you, when it’s never been offered to you
i used to think love wasn’t for me
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