Suicide Note

 "You speak to me of narcissism but I reply that it is 
a matter of my life" - Artaud

"At this time let me somehow bequeath all the leftovers 
to my daughters and their daughters" - Anonymous

Better, 
despite the worms talking to 
the mare's hoof in the field; 
better, 
despite the season of young girls 
dropping their blood; 
better somehow 
to drop myself quickly 
into an old room. 
Better (someone said) 
not to be born 
and far better 
not to be born twice 
at thirteen 
where the boardinghouse, 
each year a bedroom, 
caught fire. 

Dear friend, 
I will have to sink with hundreds of others 
on a dumbwaiter into hell. 
I will be a light thing. 
I will enter death 
like someone's lost optical lens. 
Life is half enlarged. 
The fish and owls are fierce today. 
Life tilts backward and forward. 
Even the wasps cannot find my eyes. 

Yes, 
eyes that were immediate once. 
Eyes that have been truly awake, 
eyes that told the whole story— 
poor dumb animals. 
Eyes that were pierced, 
little nail heads, 
light blue gunshots. 

And once with 
a mouth like a cup, 
clay colored or blood colored, 
open like the breakwater 
for the lost ocean 
and open like the noose 
for the first head. 

Once upon a time 
my hunger was for Jesus. 
O my hunger! My hunger! 
Before he grew old 
he rode calmly into Jerusalem 
in search of death. 

This time 
I certainly 
do not ask for understanding 
and yet I hope everyone else 
will turn their heads when an unrehearsed fish jumps 
on the surface of Echo Lake; 
when moonlight, 
its bass note turned up loud, 
hurts some building in Boston, 
when the truly beautiful lie together. 
I think of this, surely, 
and would think of it far longer 
if I were not… if I were not 
at that old fire. 

I could admit 
that I am only a coward 
crying me me me 
and not mention the little gnats, the moths, 
forced by circumstance 
to suck on the electric bulb. 
But surely you know that everyone has a death, 
his own death, 
waiting for him. 
So I will go now 
without old age or disease, 
wildly but accurately, 
knowing my best route, 
carried by that toy donkey I rode all these years, 
never asking, “Where are we going?” 
We were riding (if I'd only known) 
to this. 

Dear friend, 
please do not think 
that I visualize guitars playing 
or my father arching his bone. 
I do not even expect my mother's mouth. 
I know that I have died before— 
once in November, once in June. 
How strange to choose June again, 
so concrete with its green breasts and bellies. 
Of course guitars will not play! 
The snakes will certainly not notice. 
New York City will not mind. 
At night the bats will beat on the trees, 
knowing it all, 
seeing what they sensed all day.

Form: Dramatic Monologue Comments

Literary Analysis

This literary analysis was generated with AI and may contain interpretive differences. Provide your analysis in the comments section.

Summary

Anne Sexton's poem takes the form of a direct, unsettling address that sounds like a farewell note and a confession at once. The poem's mind moves between memory, self-accusation, dark wit, and sudden bursts of image, as if the act of speaking is both a way of organizing terror and a last attempt at control. The voice does not offer a neat explanation for despair; instead, it circles around bodily sensation, childhood rupture, religious longing, and the wish to exit life on chosen terms.

As the poem progresses, the speaker imagines death not as a single dramatic event but as a deeply personal destination already threaded through her life. She contrasts ordinary worldliness with private catastrophe, returning again and again to images of eyes, hunger, fire, animals, and falling. The emotional force comes from a tension between poise and collapse: the language is often precise, even elegant, while the subject is extreme and final. That tension makes the poem more than a simple statement of suicidal intent; it becomes a meditation on selfhood, suffering, and the desire to disappear before the body or age can finish the work for her.

Theme

  • Death as an intimate destination - Death is presented not as an abstraction but as something personally appointed and almost familiar, a route the poem's voice believes it has been moving toward for years.
  • Control versus helplessness - The speaker repeatedly imagines choosing the manner and timing of departure, yet the poem also exposes a deeper helplessness beneath that wish for command.
  • Body and pain - Images of eyes, mouth, blood, hunger, and physical damage keep the poem grounded in the body, making emotional suffering feel embodied rather than purely psychological.
  • Memory and childhood injury - The poem links present despair to earlier moments of fire, age, and awakening, suggesting that old wounds still shape the speaker's understanding of herself.
  • Religious longing and disillusionment - References to Jesus and Jerusalem echo spiritual desire, but they also suggest a failed hope for meaning, sacrifice, or redemption.
  • Private suffering versus public life - The poem juxtaposes personal catastrophe with ordinary places and daily existence, implying that inner crisis continues even as the world goes on unchanged.
  • Self-knowledge and self-accusation - The speaker is painfully aware of how she may sound to others, calling herself cowardly while also insisting on the seriousness of her condition.

Literary Devices

  • Dramatic monologue - The poem unfolds as an intense first-person address, giving the reader direct access to a mind speaking at the edge of crisis.
  • Allusion - References to Artaud, Jesus, and echoes of philosophical or literary ideas widen the poem's frame and connect private anguish to broader traditions of suffering and selfhood.
  • Repetition - Repeated words and phrases such as the recurring calls to "better" and the repeated bodily images create a compulsive, circling rhythm that mirrors obsession.
  • Metaphor - Death is figured through images like a dumbwaiter into hell or a lost lens, turning an abstract event into vivid, unsettling objects and motions.
  • Imagery - The poem relies on startling sensory pictures of worms, blood, fire, fish, bats, and light to make emotional extremity visible and memorable.
  • Irony - The voice often speaks with cool precision about something unbearable, creating an ironic gap between the composed surface of the language and the chaos it describes.
  • Juxtaposition - Sacred and domestic, grotesque and ordinary, local and cosmic images are placed side by side, intensifying the poem's instability.
  • Syntax and fragmentation - Short lines, abrupt turns, and suspended phrases produce a wavering, breathless movement that reflects psychological strain and interruption.

Symbolism

  • Eyes - The repeated eyes suggest awareness, witness, vulnerability, and finally the failure or piercing of perception itself.
  • Fire - Fire carries the force of trauma, destruction, and transformation, especially as it connects to an early remembered loss.
  • Worms - Worms evoke decay and the physical reality of death, making mortality feel immediate and unavoidable.
  • Fish - The strange fish images can suggest sudden, unnatural disturbance in the surface of life, like a sign that private crisis has surfaced.
  • Dumbwaiter - The dumbwaiter becomes a grim symbol of descent, a mechanical passage downward into death or oblivion.
  • June - June stands for fullness, green abundance, and seasonal life, which makes the speaker's choice of it for death especially bitter and ironic.
  • Toy donkey - The toy donkey suggests childhood, helpless motion, and a life carried forward without understanding its destination.

Tone

Sexton's tone is stark, intimate, and unsparing, but it also has flashes of bitter wit and eerie composure. The poem feels confessional without becoming sentimental, and the language often sounds deliberately controlled even when it describes collapse. For the reader, the mood is tense, haunted, and claustrophobic, with sudden moments of surreal beauty that make the darkness feel sharper rather than lighter.

Historical Context

Anne Sexton wrote within the confessional poetry movement, a mid-twentieth-century current in which poets treated personal trauma, mental illness, family conflict, sexuality, and suicidal feeling as legitimate literary material. Her work is often associated with frank self-examination and a willingness to use private suffering as a formal and artistic subject.

The poem also reflects a broader modernist and postwar sensibility: it mixes high-cultural allusion, fractured syntax, and bleak humor to capture a psyche under pressure. Its unsettling combination of intimacy and performance fits a period in which poetry increasingly explored the unstable border between lived experience and crafted voice.

Similar Poems

  • Lady Lazarus - Sylvia Plath
  • One Art - Elizabeth Bishop
  • The Suicide - Edna St. Vincent Millay
  • For My Lover, Returning to His Wife - Anne Sexton

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