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She smirked 
With a remarkable resemblance 
To Miranda Richardson 
Playing Elizabeth the First

Just as soon as I can bump off 
My new Sister-in-Law
Korporate Kate 
That two bit Sloan 
It shall be I who is 
Next in line to it all!

I hear there’s a story about some 
Princes, a Tower and a wall 
Get that done it will be I
Who shall take the British throne….

Although I will have to brush up 
Maybe take the Royal Tour
Incognito of course,
Paying special attention to the Tour Guide, 
His story about the Princes, the Tower and the wall 
Because really I don’t know anything about the British 
Or the Royals, at all!

You just turn up, right?
PR Firm, Prince on your arm 
Smile, say something scripted 
Written by someone smart
That makes me sound
Like I actually have a heart! 

And those idiot Brits
Pay Royals money! 
For doing what exactly?! 
The Brits, they’re so funny!
They drive Jags , wave flags, and pay me money!

And I get to keep my own wealth 
Stashed off shore 
Safe from the US and UK Tax Man! 
And what this ‘marriage’
Will do for my flagging career! 

OK and Hello! 
They’re queuing up, right here!
There’s talk of a 6 page spread 
ME on the throne 
With leopard skin leggings!
And a post-marriage 
Bikini body special!
Oh, I’ve died and gone to celebrity heaven! 

But that will be before
I get knocked up 
With MY air to the throne
All costs covered by 
The dim witted 
Taxpaying, flag waving British peasants 
Of course!

So I will ignore my nagging doubts 
That the Brits are already 
Calling me Marie Antoinette, 
And something about renting 
A guillotine from France  
What is this British nick name thing?
And why can’t my PR Firm control it?!

And why, when my back is turned, 
Is Prince Philip 
Counting the silver and
Checking my purse 
Whilst banging on about 

Some dusty old German Royal 
Who sold her family jewels
During the last war 
To feed the poor! 

Dumb Bitch!
Why do that when you can stash
Your wealth safely off shore?
Well away from the Tax Man and the poor!
Isn't that what the Tax Havens are for?

So all I have to do 
To make 
MY DREAMS  
Come true 
Is to get that Hewitt Kid into bed 
Although it’ll be Nanny dress up
And spank his little bot
Because he’s (still) 
A little private school boy at heart 

But apart from that
Oh it’s GUARANTEED to be such fun!
But will someone PLEASE PLEASE 
Tell me 
What the AMERICAN translation 
Is for the British word ‘Cunt’?
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