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When you came to me...

Not that you wanted me.  Oh, no!  It was I who wanted you,
Your comfort... your caring... your
... compassion, your compassion...
Your body, beautiful and young, perhaps that as well at some different time, some different circumstance.
The beauty of your mind, yes, your essence... yes, that which makes you.
I wanted YOU... needed you.

...you smiled... the light, the beacon that saved my sanity from the storm tossed sea of my existence.
I smiled my feeble simper in return.
You said you looked for me and slipped onto the silvery, wooden bench beside me.
I had run away unable to face you.
I knew what the night would deliver... Goodbye.  We would yet share our days but no longer our substance... your pain... my insecurities...

Oh, how you opened to me when we were new, like a bird freshly freed from its cage, stretching its stiffened, unused wings, your thoughts... hesitant but fluid.
You told me of your helplessness... of the night of fear and anger, the giving and loving in your heart stripped from you... taken by the one closest to you, so... violent, so... abasing.

How could anyone ever love you again, you asked...
 
I felt your pain.
I could not, but I wished to share it with you... to take it from you... to leave you whole, to help you... forget.
You used it.  In your beautiful way... you wanted it... to create comfort where there was hurt... warmth where there was fear
... compassion.

...How could you not be loved!

...our talks and feelings... and you... never more to be a meaningful measure of my life.  Then there was me.  My destruction was my own.  Concern on your face told me of the helplessness you felt as I confessed my demons.  You had no answers.  I wanted none... only comfort, your comfort.
I opened my soul to you... said things... private things... things that should never have left my lips... things I had never, could never share with anyone.
You listened...
I told of destroying those closest to me...
You listened...
I told of my feelings for you...
You listened...

Then things changed.  I approached you one warm, bright morning and you looked at me.  The deep, bright orbs of cerulean that are your eyes twinkled then squinched gently as the edges of your supple... soft... inviting lips mingled with your blossoming cheeks.  As always, the warmth of your alluring smile enveloped me.
You whispered in your gentle voice, “I missed you.”
Such beautiful words that I had so longed to hear.  I returned your words, “I missed you.”
-But you need not miss me.... I am here.-  You looked at me in deep reverie. You said nothing but I knew that I would never again hear those words pass through your delicate lips.

...you spoke of your doubts.
I listened...
You spoke of your desires.
I listened.
I felt shame for who I was and what I did, but you gently touched me... caressing me... my back... my shoulder.
You said “I care about you,”
... compassion.
You pulled me to you and we embraced.  For long moments I held you, our bodies pressed together like a flower’s clinging petals... always touching... never wanting to release their grasp... to unfold... to open... for fear of ending the moment...

Not long before, I remember you turning to me.
“A magic hug,” you said, your searching arms reaching for me... and magic it was... they were.
The touch of your hands gently soothing me... the weight... the firmness of your full body against mine... your petite silhouette lingering beneath my awkwardly grasping arms.

How could you not be loved!

Each touch inviting more... each movement of my fingers tasting your skin.  But it had to end as each instant... even a magical one... does.

...but as with everything the sweet moment was slowly lost.  You sat as if waiting.  Still... not moving, quiet... not speaking.  I leaned toward you...

You grew cold.  I did not understand.  You withdrew from me... not speaking to me... not looking at me.  I knew not what pain I had caused you, my friend... no... not friend... you never thought of me as your friend... never wanted me as a friend.  You made that clear, I am not your friend.  Friend... yes... you were my friend... are my friend... will always be my friend.

You called me needy.
You said you could not bear the strain of your pain and mine.
You said you cared too much... for whom?  You never said... never too much for me.

I seemed to be your charity... Fix him!  He’ll be well.  He is broken but not beyond repair, fix him!
...compassion.
I thought our need was mutual.  You listened... I listened.  I cared... You cared.
I was still broken.

Then came the rage.  You screamed.  Like a Banshee filling the night sky you howled into the wind, “ I’M ANGRY... AT EVERYONE!!”  I tried to understand... to help.  You never explained.  You never seemed to look at me... you avoided me...
You... hurt me, you hurt me.

...I kissed you...
sweet... gentle... beautiful.
The most tender of touches, your supple, full lips against mine... between mine.  I drew you in with every breath.  I tasted you.
I lingered against you... please don’t end.
I savored your gentleness... please don’t pull away.
Oh God what am I doing!!
I desired you, your presence, your voice, your touch, yes, your
...compassion.
Don’t pull away... it will end me.
“Please tell me you want this.”
“Of Course I do,” gently whispered, you appeased me...
never again to feel your lips against mine...
never again to press my body against yours... to feel the softness of your smooth skin beneath my finger tips... 
to languor in your magical embrace.

I HATE YOU... simple words, easily said.  Why could you not say them.
I HATE YOU... they would have ended things so much more quickly.
I hate you, leave me alone.  It would have been so much kinder.
I hate you, don’t talk to me.  I gave you the chance, “You seem to hate me,” I offered.
You couldn’t say them
...compassion?
I will never say them.

How could you not be loved?  You never let me.

You arose from the bench as dusk turned to dark.  The evening air was cool and the time was late.
I gazed longingly into your blue eyes.  You spared me a last smile... beautiful smile... sweet smile... your good bye... thank you.
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