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Ninety-seven percent of all U.S. currency
Contains a trace amount of cocaine
Sniffing your George Washington's every day
Causes a mellowing of the brain

If we were able to live on Planet Mercury
Each year is only 88 days there 
Well holy kadoodle, at that astounding rate
I'd be 300 and still have my hair

The world record for the most babies born
By one woman is sixty-nine
My guess is she was perpetually pregnant
Imagine all the washing on her line

They say a broken clock is always right
A couple of times every day
If you're having trouble figuring that one out
You should seek some help I'd say

The G in “g-string” that those dancers wear
Stands for “groin” I've heard it said
But if a dancer weighs over 300 pounds
It would stand for “gross” instead

Way back when, nagging wives were punished
By being forced to wear a bridle
Think I'll refrain from commenting here
For fear of serious reprisals

The male praying mantis cannot copulate
While it's head is still attached
So the female accommodates by ripping it off
So much for a possible rematch

Although they may not want to admit it
Women fart as much as men
But they fart in a much more ladylike fashion
And never lift their leg or bend


© Jack Ellison 2013

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