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'Twas the night before Christmas
when I and my groom
finally found a motel 
but with just one room.

My groom was in the bathroom -
leaving me alone-
so that he could douse himself 
with some cheap cologne.

I - in my red negligee -
thought of bump and grind,
visions of his sugar plums
dancing in my mind.

Then a noise I heard outside
gave me such a fright!
who was out there in the snow
on our special night?

Opening our small room’s door,
I felt like a goof.
It was just an icicle 
falling off the roof.

Then I felt a sudden breeze.
One unlucky bride!
As the door behind me shut,
I was locked outside.

When upon my motel door
I began to pound,
it was clear that my dear groom
did not hear a sound.

Right before my startled eyes,
what should then appear?
Someone dressed as Santa Claus,
filling me with fear!

His eyes, though not so cheery,
lit up, seeing me
as he crossed the street and came
stumbling drunkenly.

I stood helpless, trembling in
scanty siren red
when an icicle fell down
clunking my poor head.

I revived in the ER,
thong still on my rump!
Underneath my bandage was
an enormous lump.

Thankfully my groom was there,
smelling of Old Spice.
But we’d have no chance to give
gifts naughty and nice.

At our room I later saw
Santa Claus was there -
that same guy who’d seen me in
sexy underwear.

Having seen my accident
he’d informed my groom
right before he then collapsed
stone drunk in our room.

Santa on our honeymoon
with cheeks rosy red,
(but not one “Merry Christmas”), 
stole our wedding bed.

12/8/12 
Now used for Joseph May's 
The Night Before Christmas Poetry Contest

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