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Poem
I miss my mom.
I don’t remember much about her,
It’s been over a decade and a half since
I last saw her,
Before she faded into
The person she’s become now.
But I remember when she was kind,
I remember when she loved us,
I miss my mom.

I miss swingset rides,
Her pushing me,
Higher and higher,
Into the sky.
Snapshots, memories,
A blink of her smile,
I miss swingset rides,
I miss when she loved me back.
I miss my mom.

I lost a parent,
Without losing a parent,
She’s alive,
She’s well,
But she is not
My mom 
Anymore.
I watch as she mumbles to herself,
Lost,
Alone and angry,
Rageful.
She wasn’t always like this.
But I no longer remember her before.
I miss my mom.

I miss warmth,
Compassion.
Traits she once possessed
According to her family and friends,
But that now remain dormant,
In a volcano,
Ready to explode
At any given moment.
I miss feeling like a kid,
Not walking on eggshells.
Security,
Safety,
Not standing outside home and 
Hesitating to open the door,
Scared of the jungle
I’d step into.
I miss my mom.

I wanted her back,
For so long,
I waited,
And waited,
And waited,
For her sickness to dissolve,
And it did,
But not before taking her with it,
Pixelating her into hatred
And dissipating her spirit
Into bitterness. 
I miss my mom,
But I do not want her back.

I do not want to forgive her,
And act like it’s all fine, that all is well again,
That cycle has broken me down to bits,
And I refuse to be a part of it again.
So Mom, I love you,
But I accept now,
That we can never be together,
Not the way a family is, not ever.
Because your sickness consumes you,
And though that’s not your fault,
You said your love was unconditional,
Yet it still came to a halt.
I don’t want that for my kids, Mom. 
I love you, and I miss you, but you will never meet my children.
Because though you are my mother, you’re not the mom I miss.
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