Email Poem

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Personal Note:

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Poem

i wonder if my sister is aware 
she’s the reason i lost my muchness
it’s like i don’t want to be loud anymore
i want to be like a whisper 
or a gust of wind

i want to be quiet and go unnoticed 
so bad that i tip toe 
and hold my breath 

maybe because i approached it all wrong as a kid i lost my will to live the life 
i never got to lead

is it possible to lose your identity
before it’s developed 
like it’s some kind of original sin? 

is it okay 
to mourn the loud, artsy, confident person
that i could’ve grown up to be?

and although it might not be your fault, 
i owe it to her 
to give you the guilt 

because one grave and one gun 
tell the story 
of a killing that went untold

maybe i was right 
to become less
maybe polka dots in ladybug patterns 
and pink rain boots 
won’t prepare me for the real world

but will crop tops and make up 
make such a vast difference 
that she had to strip me 
from that little kid’s clothes? 

and maybe i did talk too much 
but have you thought 
that maybe you just listened too little?
and for some reason you don’t know my worth 
until my lips are coated in glitter

but how can i catch up 
when you also get older each year?

if im smart 
and kind 
and funny 
you’re just everything that i had to miss

and i understand that you’re hurting, 
but can’t you see 
im hurting too?

the difference is 
that you tried to kill me 
while i tried to mourn you

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