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I went to the cop, in New Haven PD
I said I've got a crime story, but it's hard to believe
The cop said cheerfully, "let's hear, try me"
So I took a deep breath, tried a memory retrieve.

I said, "for a year I was getting the urge to merge
It disrupted my sleep, and I tried to purge
You know, the urge to make babies, that's what I mean
It tormented every day, even every dream

I said, "I didn't suspect foul play
I treated it as a disease, but I was the prey
It's hard to believe, but I'll tell you how I know:"
The Cop looked sad, but let my words flow

I said that I bought a bottle of Poland Spring
Left it overnight, next morning took a drink
Urges went exponential, I wanted to punch a wall
I staggered out of my room, and down the hall.

I got to the supermarket, all the ladies seemed seductive
I hated the symptoms, but they sure were instructive
I couldn't work more, had to concede
Went to my parents, hoped the symptoms would recede.

"OK," said the cop, "where's the water, we'll test!"
"Oh I threw it out", I said, realizing I had messed
The cop asked me why someone would attack
I said, "for that, we need a flash back."

I said "there was compromising movie, it was wherever I go
I had even run into Brits and Israelis, who seemed to know
It showed me drooling over the thought
Of an innocent damsel, in my web she was caught."

I said the movie wasn't what it seemed to be
But that it went viral, from sea to shining sea.
The cop looked sad, asked for my parents' phone
Then he proceeded to call my home.

He said "folks, this is the New Haven PD:
Your son, to put it mildly is crazy.
Please see to it that he gets appropriate aid"
So I ended up with shock Treatments, but the beliefs would not fade.

So here's the scoop, bear with me a bit
I believe it's all true, and many victims are hit
The difference is what prompted the attack on me
Somewhere criminals were chortling with glee.

This was only the beginning, but I lack space
Think of the drugs that can damage the human race
We're attached to a dying animal as Yeats once said
But what bio-know-how can do fills me with more dread.

We're in a terrible new world, where if your health decays
It can be due to you giving the wrong man a sour gaze
You could be in the way, or you could have offended
What bad guys can do to you would never be mended

And mostly likely, you would never suspect
It was a manmade cause, that made your life wrecked.
In my case I knew, because the baddies wanted me to know
They enjoyed making life a horror show
For others, the hit might be better undetected
You can't solve a crime, if no crime is suspected.
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