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The Twelve days of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas, my true love said to me, I think that’s the police up there. So I drove them up against a pear tree.

On the second day of Christmas, forensics were at my door, haha, I don’t live there any more.

On the third day of Christmas, a nationwide search was out for me, they would never find me, I was hiding up a pear tree.

On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love called to say, why are there four birds calling you, what the hell is going on.

On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love texted to say, a reward of five gold rings is on your head.

On the sixth day of Christmas, I was joined by two turtle-doves, not forgetting that bloody partridge, who was really doing my box in.

On the seventh day of Christmas, the turtle-doves thanked me for the meal, with the words, the partridge would have loved this. Didn’t have the heart to tell them.

On the eighth day of Christmas, I laid into six geese with a half brick, now I really was hating birds, would die for a fish.

On the ninth day of Christmas, I caught the turtle-doves playing around with three French hens, a hand grenade put paid to that.

On the tenth day of Christmas I got turned on by eight maids a milking, though this was short-lived when I was attacked by seven swans a swimming.


On the eleventh day of Christmas, feckin drummers turned up, followed by eleven pipers, ten lords trying to leap nine ladies of the night. F*** sakes, man, do these people know who they’re dealing with.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, I awoke from a drunken dream. My god, the wife screamed, somebody’s massacred the partridge, what the hell are we going to do now, there’s only fish left to eat.
Only fish left to eat, 
Oh God, thank you for my Christmas treat….

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