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so easy to fall, and so hard to break free

somehow as a child I knew
it was as if they knew my name before I had a clue
at 10 reading books about orphans 
free from the church
the dignity of evil
nuns silently brought

the battle of addiction began without meaning
images crept into my head at ten
child orphans hooked on opiates
living on the street homeless
but somehow free

my time as a child skipped over
teen experimentation
no social life
and straight into motherhood

the first time I ran from myself

9 months of being a teen
happy, unknowing

thrown straight into postpartum trauma
with a child of an older man
who knew everything
gaslight dreams flickering 
fading with every press
morphine drip, and 3 months asleep
surgical birth 

I didn't hear her cries
asleep she was taken
my ship was sinking
bonds breaking silence
anger grew like a cancer

hurricane spiraling within
my fist at the end of the funnel
ready to blow 
a target in the darkness
floating on hope
circled by the unseen voices

whispering my doom 
seven years of a precious life
lost to me
“end it all”
“leave it all behind”

ashamed, grasping at threads

death refused to take me
shouting “fight with patience”
through the thick 
the echoes lightyears away from my ears

20 years locked up as grown child
mentally fatigued
10 more years locked up in the standards
of what society calls marriage
an adult thing to do

pleading for help 
from grandmother's psychology degree
with the words
“keep your mouth shut for your daughter's sake,
she needs both her parents”

I ran a 2nd time

chained to my abusers
demon bound chasing
with overbearing shouts
30 missed calls in a row
shaming me, nothing was ever the right thing
couldn't have me, so stole all that they could
and the only child I ever held

10 years of tears
angry and depressed
hating every new day
afraid of happiness
dreaming of death
unable to save my child
from barely escaping repeated
suicide attempts

kept away
stayed away
threatened by his constant
demanding
civil servants to tell me
no one could help
without a proper court installed judgment
hellraiser dug the chains in deep

waiting for me to succeed to the pain
that kept my nervous system alight with fire

Frankii <3 Fame
5-8-2024 1:11 am
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