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Right here and there
I never wanted to be alive
This living thing traps my emotions
Turning them into devotion
I can never tell
If this is really what I planned for
Or something that everyone wants out of me
Expectations hourly for productivity
How the flip am I supposed to do
With all of this pressure to live
I clearly can’t pretend to be happy
I’m in deep sheets of pits
I’m struggling daily to breath as I’m hoping one day I’ll stop breathing
I’m suffocating my body daily
Just for it to just die
I’d walk into the busiest roads just to be hit by a car
Nothing happens they just turn to be concerned
I’d hang myself with different ropes
Nothing happens I just keep on falling
I think it’s the weight whatever it doesn’t work
I’d drink all kinds of pills I could find in this house
Nothing happens they turn to just clean my tummy
I’d cut myself while I’m taking a bath
Nothing happens because someone wants to take a dump
Now they knock to annoy me and walk in
I’d walk at night scouting for danger even if I’m stabbed or whatever
I’d make sure that I’m attracting strangers
And guess what
Instead of stranger danger it becomes a stranger friend/motivator/healer/prophet/preacher
I’d sleep take what is called a mini “Nap”
I swear I try by all means not to be awake
I’ll be leading my soul to leave my body
Trying by all means to walk in any gates that leads
To death
Entertaining any spirit out there
Just for it to take over my body
Because wow my life
Is based on true story horrors
It’s so horrific for me to even
Ask to die I can’t keep in touch
I know this all sounds like a suicidal mentality
I’m tired being monitored to be alive
Tormenting this little heart that’s filled with scrap
It’s like I have a mini panel beater inside
Just to help my heart beat 

When reality kicks in
I never wanted to be
Here at the first place
I never asked to be awake
I never asked to be alive 

Ashleigh Ngoqo
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