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The loss of a parent is something you never get over. Understanding that you lost one of the only people in your lifetime who would die for you wanting little in return is unlocking an event that no one can prepare you for.
Once they take flight into the spirit world, their love for you pours over your soul like a waterfall, drenching you in how proud of you they were.

Soaking you with how much they are going to miss you. 
Saturating your heart with every memory and conversation they had with you, and drowning your spirit with the gratitude they feel towards God for giving them a blessing which is the gift they saw in you. This is a timeless space where your body first meets your soul, through love in darkness behind your heart. You sit there quiet  while they engage one another, until you can breathe again.

 
 Dealing with this emotion sends some down a rabbit hole to ease the burden. 
 This is where I found myself- only the dirt caved in when I wasn't looking and I couldn't see light at the end of that tunnel anymore.
 I faked it. As my other parent you judged and decided my children deserved to know what I was. 
You painted a picture of a back alley junkie when I was only taking a small pill in the morning. 
Still, it was there. 

 My kids became adults and the wedge was driven .
 We lost years until finally I came to you. 
I asked for your help as my Mom. 
 A  ray of light shone through and up from the earth, I was reaching for you to help pull me out- shaking and stretching- fingers agape.
 You didn't grab my hand. 
You just stared at it, shrugged, and turned away. I honestly cannot tell which is harder- losing a parent who has passed away, or losing one who is still alive but has resigned on you. It took everything I had to be ready to walk on eggshells and sleep with demons. To experience the devils tricks-The empty space of static and cigarettes, I wanted to absorb it all and wear it proudly in a parade marching backwards to where I started until I was strong enough to carry the casket without my arm shaking so noticeably. 
 I just hope my kids know and understand that no matter what I will never, ever do that to them because after they reach for me, who else is going to care? I don't want them to know the answer to that while I am alive. When they do,.. I hope I have done enough to fill their own voids and that maybe one day they can forgive me, just as I honestly have finally forgiven your jealousy over a little girl who loved her dad.
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