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Van Gogh's Severed Ear

I leaf through memories as if pages in my mind,
And I can’t find the one I’m searching for.
Like a distraught painter much maligned,
I can’t find the reason to live for anymore.

Inside my head, I scream for others to hear
When I look at the past in the present,
Because my heart didn’t bleed when I severed my ear,
Which begs the question, “Am I still living?”
                              ***

Note:
   In the evening of December 23, 1888, Vincent van Gogh (1854–1890) had an argument with fellow painter Paul Gauguin (1848-1903) who at the time was sharing the use of van Gogh’s studio and accommodations in Arles, France. Gauguin, afraid for his life, departed from the house and sought accommodations elsewhere, whereas, Vincent van Gogh followed him out of the house threatening him with a razor, and then returned to the house where he severed his own left ear with the razor. Because Van Gogh used mirrors for his self-portraits, the painting gives the appearance as if it were the right ear that was severed.
   During the police investigation that followed, Van Gogh said he had very little recollection of the event. Information available reveals that it was a horrendous and traumatizing event for Vincent van Gogh and those involved. Van Gogh nearly died as a result of blood loss from the self-inflicted mutilation and suffered indescribable pain from infection and discomfort afterwards.

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