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When I was 14 yrs old...
     I never thought I would turn the magical 16...
          that would be the time I could get my drivers license
               and a job. Boy was I big stuff then.

When I was 17 yrs old...I never thought I would live to see 18.
     Wow...the excitement of becoming an adult.
          Now I could do what I wanted...
               I would have it made!

When I was 20...I thought in one more year...
     I could be a full adult and I could make my own choices...
          and move where I wanted...and all sorts of stuff.

When I was 49 I thought my life was half over.
     My skin was starting to wrinkle and parts of me were starting to sag.
          I wondered if this was what I had to look forward to.

When I was 59 I dreaded turning 60.
     to me that was old. Those were the ones I made fun of
          when I was younger and swore I'd never be like them.

Well...now I'm 66 yrs old and I can't seem to wrap my head around it.
     It seems all the movie stars I grew up with were all dying...
          or at least looked like it. My youngest child is 34. How did
               that happen? I sat and thought about all the things
                    I'll never get to do again...
                         because I have Parkinsons also...
                               and it's taking it's toll.

I now struggle with wondering If I even have a purpose anymore.
     I wonder if my kids still need me. I question my value.
          I feel embarrased that at times I need to use a cane.
               I question all the choices I've ever made...
                    but I know one can't go back and change what's already
                         happened.

I've decided with much soul searching that I can find other ways of helping.
     After all it's not about me. I can think what I can do to help others.
           I have things I'm good at and I have a lot of life's stuff
                I've been through...
                      that maybe I can help with.

It's all about choices. I could choose to sit and just wait to die...
     or I can use what I do have to help others.
           The choice is mine...
                 and the choice is yours.



                                               P.R. Deremer
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