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Nightmares or memories

 am I fit for purpose I think not
I believe I’m ill and full of rot
My  wife and I should be having our holidays of a lifetime
Instead we’re just paying off the cost of my crime
We should be paying for our boys and their families
There phones. should be full of pictures and happy memories
I don’t understand how I Went so long without a doctor or someone saying I was wrong 
I know our ride has been been bumpy 
and I know I left some scars
But there’s been times when I’ve been a loving husband and a doting dad
It hasn’t all been bad
There’s been times when I’ve got it right
But I  shattered those memorys with a drink or a fight
Every time I took it to a new low
What chance love to grow
Still we stay together even through the stormy weather
I find it so hard to believe that anyone could love me
No matter how many times it  gets said to me
I wish I could just start again but I know that’s just a dream 
You can’t even stop and wipe the slate clean and start a new right here and now
Not when you remember every single row
I think I should try and walk away somehow
At least give a chance for them to be happy now
I’ve had my pain for many years
I should’ve gone to seek out some careing ears 
Instead I kept it all inside
It’s so much easier to run and hide
And anyway I have no one to confide 
We are men we can’t show Feelings and we’ve never cried 
Don’t forget we’ve got our ego and pride
I think I know how this will end I think it’s far to broke for us to mend
She will need some healing time
I know one day she’ll find a man he’ll be loving gentle and kind
I’m sure he’ll have all qualities that I just couldn’t find 
For Everyone else Life’s a Breeze
They seem to stroll through it with ease 
I fight and fight but I never get it right
At the end of my tunnel there is never any light
I haven’t the courage to end my life
So I’ll trudge on with all my troubles and my  life 
I don’t think another-love I’ll try to  find
There seems little point when You see the pain I always leave behind 
It seems happiness has become my fear
Whenever I get close I crush those that are dear
all I can do is hope and pray
Hope there memories fade and do not stay
Then maybe they can move on and start living again
If you will god free them from the carnage and pain 
As I walk away having made sure I’ve left my stain 
God help them recover and help them move on
And please God for them let happiness come along
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