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The reindeer and Santa proceed at a canter
On a sleigh made of magical wood
They’ve gone to fill shelves with gifts made by elves
For all the kids that have been good

At home in the grotto, the elves are all blotto
They found where the whisky was hid
Then looked for some brandy to drink themselves bandy
And that’s just what most of them did

They had lots of banter about Mr Santa
And the sign that was hung on his door
They started debatin’ and renamed him Satan
And then started drinking some more

Stood in the corner like Little Jack Horner
An elf peed all over the wall
He tried higher squirting, but soaked all the skirting
Cos elves are not terribly tall

The door opened wide and who stepped inside
But Santa with Rudolph in tow
Poor Rudolph looked sad, he clearly felt bad
He’d just eaten bright yellow snow

Behind him poor Cupid stood there feeling stupid
It was she who had peed in the snow
She knew it was risky, but filled up with whisky
She had nowhere else she could go

Then Santa saw bottles all scattered around
The brandy and whisky expired
There’s booze splashed about so he kicked them all out
‘Get lost cos the lot of ya’s fired’

The sleigh without Santa began to meander
It wouldn't fly straight as it should
In Lapland they nicked it, in quicksand they ditched it
So Christmas is done for for good

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