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My Phone

I've just been down to Tesco to get some shopping done,
I never go with money cos I have a little fun
You see it makes me snigg*r when I hear old ladies moan
'What was wrong with money,' as I Pay them with my phone

I went off to the countryside to see some lovely views
I also liked the country sound of bleats and quacks and moo's
A bloke lugging a tripod let out a little groan
As I stood right beside him taking photos with my phone

You should keep up with all the news my father said to me
You can get it from a newspaper or see it on TV
He snigg*red and he chided in a most sarcastic tone
When I told him if I want the news, I Watch it on my phone

Was driving in to central London later on that day
My dad said take an A to Z, don't get lost on the way
If you're like me you know you will be wrong direction prone
I said it doesn't matter, I've got sat-nav on my phone

Took my grandad to the library, there's a book he wants to read
He's always liked his fancy fish, there's some he wants to breed
I told him how to do it and produce a guppy clone
And if you're wondering how I knew... I read it on my phone

Sailing on a pleasure cruise, booked it up online
Suddenly a wicked ocean broke the liner's spine
Treading frigid water, foghorn having blown
I wish there was a lifebelt app loaded on my phone

Stuck on a desert island, no signal, battery flat
No Google, Facebook, Instagram... Don't think much of that
Tired of eating coconut at washed up wobbly table
Dad stuck my phone under its leg to make the table stable

My dad near drove me bonkers fidgeting with string
And tying to the end of it a small bent metal thing
To crack another coconut I hit it with a stone
Then dad went off and caught some fish... didn't need a phone.

We made a kind of Barbecue and gutted all the fish
We cooked the fish on skewer sticks and what a tasty dish
I asked him how he got them cos they really tasted fine
He grinned and said, that's easy son.....

I got them all online
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