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Poem
I'm making pipe bombs out of all the 
momentum you stole from me. 
All the skipped heartbeats. All the hesitation- 
potential energy. You made me unsure of what 
it meant to be, worthy. 
I'm stockpiling my heartache. 
Getting it all as close as I can to where that 
well meaning man showed me the reward 
center of the brain is. He didn't know...
that I'd want to make it Ground Zero. 

Haha, and he probably thought he was being
a hero. Just another chump like me trying to 
make himself feel important by licking someone
else's wounds. But, he gave me the blueprint 
to doom. 

Since I was just a kid, manifesting my 
own demise. Fighting battles inside a 
misaligned cage- filled with self-rage.
Always feeling like I was naked on stage. 
And you were laughing as you yanked down
the curtain. Just to make it certain, that you 
were better than someone. I don't think it really 
mattered who. I was just an easy target. 
Because as scary as some people thought I was.
You knew all my secrets. And, when we were alone
you'd use them. Bring me to my knees with the truth
of what was behind the fabricated mask of a scared 
kid. Who never meant to hurt anyone, the way he did. 
And when you cut me. You'd say it was my fault, and
that I deserved it. I'd try to fight back, but it's hard to 
wipe your eyes dry and see clearly, when you're holding
the blade. I wanted to run. To get help, but I always stayed. 
Because I was afraid of what you might do on your own. 

Hazy recollections of nights spent on top of the roof with 
the only person I think truly understood me, would sometimes
get through to me. He taught me to hold my ground. 
Even against myself. Even though, he couldn't for himself...
In the end. 

Jamie, can you hear me? I'm in the dark again. 
Playing chess against the mirror man, and he's 
winning.

I stopped smoking over 2 years ago, but I've been 
keeping a lighter just for this. I let the flint spark and 
ignite my brain stem. He's got maybe one or two more 
moves. And, I can't let him win. 

I'm with you in the neighbor's back yard again. 
Feeling the regret after laughing with you when 
we pissed in the palms of stone Angel's hands. 

You never believed in God. But, I gotta believe 
you're somewhere. Somewhere not like the place 
I'm in now. Because it wasn't your fault you were sick. 
I know you were a good man because you saw the 
good in me. Even when no one else did. 

I can hear the marble drumming. 
He's rearranging the pieces. 
I don't know what's happening. 
Will my soul end up like all the 
shattered mirrors and liquor bottles? 
Jagged and able to reflect nothing but 
meaningless glimpses of what I should 
have been? 

Jamie, I need my best friend... 

-James Kelley 2018
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