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His German relations would turn in their graves
This great gnome abduction is causing shock waves,
It reads like the spy who came in from the cold
They've held him to ransom and broken the mould.

The world's now his oyster from Heathrow he flew
To sample the good life and drink in the view,
While stood in the gutter he eyes up the stars
Then drowns in the cocktails and drinks in the bars

Seville brings a bullfight his seat is secured
He's visiting places no gnome could afford,
A short trip to France on this whistle stop tour
The thing that a hostage is forced to endure.

The Can-Can performance he couldn't believe
An Eiffel of Paris is what he perceived,
A fast train to Berlin his ancestral home
The Frankfurter sausage and birthplace of gnomes.

Old relatives waved from the Brandenburg gate
The beer was delicious the weather was great,
A long haul to Moscow he slept in a sack
His beard was quite grimy the varnish was cracked.

He paused by the Kremlin with shots to send home
But suddenly felt that he wasn't alone,
Both he and his escorts were marched to the plane
And warned that they'd better not come back again.

In China large warriors stood by his side
Hand built in a kiln and then buried alive,
He's third one across and two rows from the back
With the rod and the boots and the beard and the hat.

His essence they caught like a star on the screen
As he stood on the wall in his tunic of green,
He travelled for what seemed a year and a day
To land in the lovely old U, S, of A.

Arriving in Vegas he shone on the strip
With a gaggle of girls and a mountain of chips,
Was tied up by Teller, Penn looked so amused
They made him an offer he couldn't refuse.

With a glint in his eye and to Tellers delight
Penn whispered a word and he varnished from sight,
To arrive with  a flash by his old garden gate
Near his house that he left on his council estate.

On the fridge fading pictures still clearly recall
Adventures that may not have happened at all,
I'd wager a bet that he'd still love to explore
That gnome in the tunic asleep by the door.
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