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auz - all messages by user

5/19/2010 10:08:42 PM
Lavender Children To be honest, I really like the flow of this poem and the rhythm of each stanza, definitely liked the second stanza and how the end stanza gave a flashback of it.

My only concerning is something more particular...

I'd crochet the perfect lace,

a
nd

It would be the perfect reflection

The use of "perfect" is not advisable in this poem, it becomes too personal and subjective. The movement of your piece is very vivid as if you (the poet) is actually an artist painting, showing the us (the viewer) how the poem actually looks like. But putting subjective/relative words like "perfect" invites the reader into an artwork which would be better worked by the artist alone.

I guess this is minor but if ever you feel the need to improve it, may I suggest putting more "visuals" in replace of the line (a metaphor or a simile)... like:

It would be a reflection of summer
brushing in the wind and
dancing in the waves... etc.

Just a suggestion of course.
5/19/2010 10:11:33 PM
Hallo Hello there! You can call me Spade. I'm on a current layoff from writing poetry for about a year now, oddly enough, its working well for me...

Sup?!
5/19/2010 10:24:14 PM
Dreaming Good poem. Just confused on some that seem contradictory to your approach:

lie on ground so bare, as if nothing were ever there
- okay, I understand this feeling of peace and solitude

Watching
mother nature's best
- this comes off for me because it seems that you've suddenly introduced an image that "was never there" Get it? For most of the poem, I've seen a closed picture of the narrator, his personal space and thoughts (solitude) but then he introduces nature's best - but does not continue from there. The problem is, the reader is disappointed. We are tend to imagine natures best as plain and simple. We lose trust towards the narrator's judgment, if its so best, then maybe you could describe it further, without being so blunt?

Wishing for things that aren't there
- This was off for me too. The start of the poem brought solitude and peace. And the narrator found it satisfying to continue the "dream" but is then struck by a lightning realization that too much "dreaming" may result to despair. "Wishing for things that aren't there" although such technique in irony is always interesting in a poem. This was sort of off because we never got to experience the height of the narrator's experience. I may not even be sure that was what you were trying to say. If without subtlety that you meant only the narrator to have wished things that weren't there. Then its a bit too empty and meaningless...
5/20/2010 4:00:54 PM
Dreaming Are you revealing the element of your piece; admitting it doesn't make any sense?

What I'm saying is that its empty. Just like how I could be passing by the park and overhear a 8year old lying on the grass saying she's dreaming...

I hope you understood my critique very clearly. I've tried reading your poem in different angles to find unceartainty that doesn't work but there isn't. Its too plain and that's my opinion. If you're going to defend your poem, defend it in a poetry related manner, if all you can say is "use your imagination" and you're not a surrealist, then try again.
edited by auz on 5/20/2010
5/20/2010 8:52:24 PM
Hallo Hey Rauwolfia, I think we're all kind of new in this board. I used to write frequently as well.

Thanks, Joe. You make sense. A sharp critique is actually one of the ways into testing an amateur writer where they are at. If they can take criticisms no matter how harsh they are or defend them accurately (in a poetry related manner) then they would obviously have potential to getting better. Sadly even writers who have been writing for years don't get better when they shrug off criticisms...
5/20/2010 9:19:10 PM
When Wars End Strong poem. Wouldn't really change much, maybe just reorder some words...

"I am a testament of how
precious life is."

I really liked the first two lines of this poem, and how you reflected the message back at the end. Always a good technique, but if you feel the need to improve it further (although it already works as it is), you can also choose another technique which is similar but adds more suspense...

by adding a line or two at the end of the stanza:

"When wars end,
celebration defines,
[insert a strong line here]
disfigurement is its blind eye."

This kind of style is done to add more suspense for the ending. You started really powerful and tried to maintain that rate up at the end. But the reader wasn't left with the amount of suspense as what your starting stanza did. If you add one strong line just before your final line (or you can even change the last line but maintain the rhythm) - because the bitterness of tone wasn't there anymore and you were about to end the piece with the narrator's chin facing up -, it could shake the reader and make your poem more powerful.

5/21/2010 8:03:50 PM
Dreaming Then I don't understand why you placed it in the High Critique forum when you just wanted it to be appreciated...

This is enough... have fun liking your poems for what they are.
5/21/2010 9:08:25 PM
Hallo Hey Catie, same here, though I have only tried some formed poetry a few times.
5/22/2010 12:37:29 PM
Dreaming Okay. Good luck with your song writing then. Now I'm really out. )
edited by auz on 5/22/2010
edited by auz on 5/22/2010
5/22/2010 12:39:13 PM
Hallo Thanks Chris! haha
5/26/2010 8:13:37 AM
Poem Titles A poem is like a product, and a new poet is like a new company. The only way for a new company to introduce its product is by advertising it. And for a poet to advertise his/her works to the public, it starts with the title. That's the most honest way I could see it. When it comes to reading, we all go by way of convenience with a little bit of luck. The 'judging the book not by its cover' often just happens once we've familiarize ourselves with the writer's work. If you read cumming's work. Its often titles with no caps, actually, he never titles his poems, their titles are always the first line of the poem. But why do I continue reading his work? Because I'm familiar with him now, and bother no longer with his titles.

- because I've bought one of the products and admired it.
6/3/2010 7:12:55 AM
A belated introduction from Winston Q Niles writing poetry is a form of catharsis.
6/3/2010 7:22:30 AM
Contents of my Heart Nothing else matters when I see you
^ without inserting "else", you make it sound as if it also does not matter when you see "her"

First stanza is corny. And very plain; like a preteen wrote it.

Same with the second stanza. The first two lines were identical, "black as night" is a very rusty simile.

3rd stanza hurts to read. Honestly, it is lower than amateur.

I wont criticize further...

You have to take time when you write, and not just write what pops in your head. Almost every line here was done out of the purpose of rhyming without much content. The figures of speech you used (if any) were very bad. This is more like a corny lyric to a mediocre pop song.

Sorry but you need to read more before you can improve your writing.
6/3/2010 7:31:11 AM
OBLIVION: Observations of Another World Show, don't tell. You need to improve your word choice.

Example (first stanza):

"escape route", instead of saying it, use an image that shows an escape. The end of a tunnel, an opening door, a light in a cave... etc.

"chaos", the word is too vague. As a reader, "chaos" which we started can mean so many things.

"broken and fragmented", very close synonyms, change either one of them or choose only one.

"retarded" - you can use a better word than that.

"forgotten at her door", the metaphor is weak, the image itself is weak.

Also, I agree with Michael, the flow is terrible. There's no sound at all. As if the lines themselves don't complement each other.
6/4/2010 3:03:39 AM
Contests 3 types of poets/writers

1. Who writes to be read.
2. Who writes to experience catharsis.
3. Who is both 1 and 2.

Now obviously there are consequences for each.

Poet 1, would have to accept the fact that once he or she releases her poem to the world, it becomes part of the world. Tolstoy had this view in aesthetics that once the artist shows his/her work to the world, it is no longer his own art but the world's. So Poet 1, must accept any criticisms on his/her work, whether he/she likes it or not. If he/she does, then good. If not, then either accept it, or debate against the criticism.

Poet 2, on the other hand, is a more isolated individual and most poets wouldn't call themselves poets at all if it wasn't for the goal of being read. Have you ever encountered a poet who has never had their poem read? Consequence of course is that no one other than the writer would care about the poem.

Poet 3, is more of an abundance. Its a win-win situation for everyone. Some, like most of the people in this forum, focuses more on the 2nd quality more than the 1st. Hence, accept the consequence of both.
6/4/2010 3:08:58 AM
I hope they gut Joran van der Sloot ^ youth and alcohol.
6/4/2010 8:32:18 AM
Contests ^ Kind of the same here. Though I'd rather have brutal honesty and criticism that comes with logical and literary context. I'm part of a literary folio in school and there have been times when our editor (after reading my submitted work) would just comment in writing: "what is this, high school?"

Which may seem disrespectful to most of you, but that's what you should expect when you try to put yourself in the literary world. Don't expect gracious comments from everybody because there are only a few people, even in a literary website, that can actually "read" a real poem.

Gradually, our editor's comments becomes more constructive as our poems become more scholarly.

"The line breaks don't match the narration of the poem"

"The tone becomes inconsistent in the last two stanzas"

etc... but when the time came that our editor highly criticized my poem on each line as if she had written a 2 page essay on criticizing my poem (very constructive and still bashing it; pointing towards even the smallest mistakes), that was the time I actually became very proud of my work. I've felt that finally I had created something. Even if it still failed to be a "completed" work.

The point is, the greatest feeling of recognition doesn't always come from happy and flattering complements.
6/4/2010 6:39:24 PM
Sad News: Al and Tipper Impermanence is a fact and we must all just accept it. People change, and feelings change. And once you realize the person you're with now isn't the person you have fallen in love with; despite the memories (because memories are past), its a hard yet honest decision to accept it. Majority of the people who are in this situation practice illusionism and pragmatism - pretending the person is still the same person, and since its convenient and it helps both parties (plus the upbringing of priority if children are involved) then they stick to the relationship.

But feelings change and its part of the human instinct to find new things, just as how Aristotle said that Man desires to know, man also desires new things.
6/4/2010 6:41:11 PM
Hi, Ive just Landed Welcome, Roger. Hope you participate in the discussion well.
6/5/2010 7:10:33 PM
...i guess you could say i need advise.. You move on by experiencing something new.

The reason why people couldn't let go of their past loved ones is because they keep coming back to their feelings with the person, they keep recalling back the memories. The reason for this is because they can't accept how time and change affects us.

All you have to do is separate yourself from those feelings and experience something new. Its a natural desire of man/woman. There are a lot of new things you can do that would separate your love for a person, to a love for life. What I usually do is travel, or mountain climbing, experience nature and you'll eventually realize that the "life" you feel with your past significant other, is a mediocre definition of life as it is.
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