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Oleg - all messages by user

6/8/2010 2:39:20 AM
Winds of Fate Thanks for your attentionAngel Wings
6/19/2010 1:14:42 PM
The Weaver There are a lack of dots, commas etc. in the poem. It lacks for punctuation marks!



The rhythmical arrangement of the poem is clumsy. If a certain metrical foot is taken in the first stanza:



1. Her /fingers /are as /thin as /lace,
2. Her /eyes a /milky /blue,
3. A /web of /hair sur/rounds her /face,
4. Her /aim is /strong and /true.



It should be kept in the rest of stanzas but not in yours:



9. She /pulls new /colors /from the /shelf,
and I stumbled over it,
10. /Pink for /love, /red for/hate.
because the first syllable is stressed.



There are full rhymes in the poem except the second stanza, where rhymes, as expertly - upon and begins - pinned stand out from the rest: they are NOT full rhymes and it does NOT produce an additional melodic effect.



A poem should be recited in a singsong manner when you versify it.
6/20/2010 7:39:35 AM
The Weaver Why not? Then, the commas in the lines A patterned, tangled fate and The finished life laid on the rack, The Weaver cuts the thread should be omitted.

I do not consider the marks not to be punctuated in this case. The presence of two commas is assumed for other marks to be presented in the poem. How would you feel yourself while driving a car if you did not see any sign on the road where it must be? 8)

I am for any innovation but I am against to use it everywhere. It is an old tradition of versification and one must stick with it.

Alfred Tennyson`s The Brook is a good example to be in the track of it.)

I come from haunts of coot and hern,
I make a sudden sally,
And sparkle out among the fern,
To bicker down a valley.

By thirty hills I hurry down,
Or slip between the ridges,
By twenty thorps, a little town,
And half a hundred bridges. …


And so on )
6/21/2010 10:53:53 PM
Twenty The word “naps”are repeated two times, it is too much for such a short story. I would substitute the line I’m safer back home for  But no, mostly naps,  like this:


In twenty days time
To Russia, China  
I’m safer back home
 
In twenty more months
I might go study abroad
But no, mostly naps


Lines /Twenty days respite/Then awful physicians/Unfortunately/are not very clear. Nothing for it but to guess it is about work.  It lacks for punctuation. I foresee your objection that this is a stream of consciousness. Anyway, with missing marks it looks cropped. 


The message,as I understood, is


Time going sure forward: 20 sec – 20 min – 20 (Oh!) hrs missed– 20 days – 20 months – 20 yrs – and … and it goes backward: 20 yrs – 20 months– 20 days – 20 hrs missed again – 20 min – 20 sec and a world-weary man between times, the time devouring the man, and then belching him.
There is the idea of renewal, in other words, possibility to have a chance to start all over again.


The poem is rather raw. I gained the impression that it has been versified in a hurry and has been done anyway. There is only a lame try to find a new form for an old substance. 



Thank you,


Oleg
edited by Oleg on 6/21/2010
6/22/2010 9:02:55 AM
Twenty Of course, I guessed, reading the poem, that it had been written in that form, and I was greatly surprised by such innovation. As I know that traditional HAIKU is divided into 3 lines. They have a 5-7-5 syllable pattern and answer the questions according to a particular  WHERE–WHAT–WHEN sequence. A good haiku in 3 lines can compete, as to the richness of its content, even with a 30 line poem, as yours,which is bigger tenfold. Your tercets can disturb the traditional preference of a WHERE-WHAT-WHEN pattern. And your lines in each tercet yields to haiku both in meaning and form. That is what I meant.
7/1/2010 12:50:48 PM
Pollux & Castor You mean "under our feet" instead of "under feet of ours"?
7/2/2010 6:28:53 AM
Pollux & Castor it may be "a feast of greenery here lies below us", OK?
7/2/2010 11:13:23 AM
Pollux & Castor and what about the line "Around us stands the yellow world of flowers" instead of "A scent of flowers reigns with yellow colours"?
7/12/2010 10:02:48 AM
The Hunger artistically conveyed, reminds me of Edgar Allan Poe`s things
edited by Oleg on 7/12/2010
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