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Saltu Fidei - all messages by user

4/24/2012 4:54:16 AM
First Poem. Hope it's at least adequate! Her name hailed from Irish saints, established by God
The sun was her maid, its' flames
A reflection of her beauty
Besotted Poseidon took refuge in her eyes
When Caesar gazed at her smile, he refused to cast the die
Her will toppled tyrants and ascended kings
Words lost meaning through her touch
For it possessed its own language
Now only silence remains; unable to hear her touch
The blight within having destroyed what she once embodied
Now imagination is all that gives life to the caress of her lips
Dreams, the only way I can feel her warmth beside me
Though she fades in graves of dirt
Her enchantment shall be made immortal
In the confines of my memories.
edited by Saltu Fidei on 4/24/2012
edited by Saltu Fidei on 4/25/2012
4/24/2012 7:44:57 PM
What hopes I really enjoyed this. The use of description was well done. Perhaps my favorite part was lines 16 and 17. They created a wonderfully haunting imagery. However, I think lines 14 and 15 could be tweaked so that the poem flows better. Also, and this is a minor critique, sometimes I felt you added unneeded articles, which impeded the poem's rhythm. Overall, good job!
4/25/2012 12:50:58 AM
First one This was very well done, especially since English isn't your native language. Lines 3 and 4 of the second stanza are my favorite. Excellent use of words to convey your idea. There are only a few minor grammatical areas, but they are very small. An example is the second line in the last stanza. You might try something like "A silent heart-beast only I can hear." It's the same words (except I put an "a" instead of "as," but I think it flows better. One last thing, you might want to use another word other than silent in this line, because otherwise how can he hear it? Quiet, might be better. Unless the contradiction was the point in which case it is fine. Great job, made even more impressive by the fact it is your first poem and it is not in your native language.
edited by Saltu Fidei on 4/25/2012
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