Reason A. Poteet
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all messages by user
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11/21/2010 11:12:52 AM
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poem.....
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Choking and pulling down
Into the water that I may drown
This sorrow and agony
Taking hold and (suffocating) me
I try to scream but am unable to
I try to reach out to you
Darkness and pain begins to appear
How hard I cry without shedding a tear
My heart twisted, (I hold on to each shred)
Leaving me now feeling dead
Pulled down underneath
Two suggestions to consider. (see above) Also since you've chosen to not use punctuation, I would leave off the capital letters, unless you just happen to like them...just a matter of consistency. But it is your nature, go for it. Substantial piece on suffocation, overwhelming feelings of helplessness. I like the rhyme and the use of lines instead of prose.
edited by Reason A. Poteet on 11/21/2010
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11/21/2010 11:58:41 AM
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Poetry is the answer
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What impels us in the night (add 1 syllable to make it 8 -- maybe dark night)
to rise up and turn on the light 
to sit down and begin to write
a poem if the feelings right? (feeling's - you mean feeling is, so put in the ' for the missing i in is.)
For some the answer is simple enough.
for others the cracking of a nut that’s tough. (change for to but) (but others must crack a nut that is tough) - keep it 10 syllables)
It’s more than rhyme, it's that and bigger stuff.
A finished poem, a diamond no longer rough. (Poem done, a diamond...) (i LOVE THE DIAMOND PART)
There is much to be said of so many things, (keep it 10 syllables - just leave out so)
of wording it right and the joy it brings,
of the tonal quality just right when it sings, (a quality tone just right...)
and when it ends it's as true as it begins. (keep it 10 - just nix the and).
What impels us in the night (add 1 syllable to make it 8 -- maybe dark night)
to rise up and turn on the light
to sit down and begin to write
a poem if the feelings right? (feeling's - you mean feeling is, so put in the ' for the missing i in is.)
An un-crafted word is just like a fetter, (leave out is and put in a - )
un practiced in words we become the debtor, (unpracticed in words we are the debtor.)
as for proof just view any written letter. (and for proof, view any...)
Poetry is the answer to a need to say it better. (Poems fill a need....)
I'm impressed, Monty, all you need to do is count syllables and make them count for you. This would be fine as it is an 8, 10, 10, 8, 10 or you could add another stanza of 10 syllable lines later for balance and possibly end with the same 8 again as what is called a repeating refrain. 8, 10, 10, 8, 10, 10, 8
Your rhyming is superb - I love it. 
Needs a little work and you can change my suggestions as you please, My only point is that you need some meter...We can work later on accent with another piece, that's minor at this point. Get the count right and your poem will improve.
edited by Monty Newman on 11/15/2010
edited by Reason A. Poteet on 11/21/2010
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