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sharpflatts - all messages by user

9/8/2010 6:42:30 PM
Stream of greedy dreams My only suggestion is punctuation related: I think if you put commas on both sides of the phrase "...making its own way...", it would help the continuity of flow for the reader. I enjoyed the piece though. Great concept. I hope you find my suggestion useful.
9/8/2010 7:13:27 PM
Between The Stingers I just have a couple little suggestions. Well, one is just a common mistake (I probably wouldn't have caught it if I didn't just have someone else catch it in one of mine): in the fifth line of the second stanza you should do away with the apostrophe in the "it's". Apart from that, I think you could trade the period after "...the value of trust" for a dash or colon. Not that it's needed, I just think it could help the flow of the tone (after reading your response to Morepancakes's critique). Finally, I would change the second comma in "Oh laugh, Moon, laugh!" to another exclamation point, or better yet a dash. I think it would add to the feeling of frustration you're conveying by repeating the command in the first place. In the interest of writing a fully useful critique, I feel like I should let you know the kinds of things you did in this piece that really worked for me as well, so here goes: The main thing I enjoyed was the equal/opposite relationship of vocab and tone between the first and last stanzas. It gave me a feeling of time passed, journey traveled, and lessons learned; and of closure. This is a kind of silly one, but I like that you capitalized "Moon". On top of that, I enjoyed the overall tone. I hope these thoughts help.
9/8/2010 7:29:48 PM
Wrestling Rabbits and Dreams the only suggestion I have for change is to take out or change the word "brazenly" in the twelfth line, since "brazen" appears in the fourth. My other suggestion is just to write more pieces like this. I could hardly keep the goosebumps off my arm while I was reading it. Some of the lines which I found particularly strong (for any poem, not just this one) were:

"...I cling too like a rabbit
clings to her virginal, white fur."'

"Oh, Don't touch me without love!"'

"Chasing my dreams into sleep..."'

"And I wrestle that rabbit for the purpose of fur.'''

"...I sleep like reflections on calm water,
And I dream...
Oh, how I dream.
"

9/8/2010 7:55:26 PM
The Ring Wringing out the rosies;
(I was reared by retrogression-
pockets full of pretty posies.)
I'm obsessed with dispossession.

I'm ashing in my ashtray- airing my aggression.
I'm falling for a cliche- careless in confession.

Why can't we all join hands,
twirl ourselves around,
and sing as though we understand?
We all fall down.

The ring around us closes,
reeling in recession.
Pocket-picking poses
profess my own profession.

I'm ashes in my ashtray; added by accession.
I'm falling for a light gray impression of expression.

Why can't we all join hands,
twirl ourselves around,
and sing as though we understand?
We all fall down.
We will all return to the Earth-
We all find our home in the ground.
The cycle of death, and of birth,
is a ring that is perfectly round.

The womb from which we arose,
is the tomb in which we'll be closed.
9/18/2010 2:15:34 AM
The Ring Thank you both, so much, for your kind words.
11/20/2010 5:48:43 PM
The Ring I was concerned about the rhyme scheme coming off unnaturally. I was a songwriter before I REALLY got in to writing poetry (which was just about a year or two ago), so I'm still working on not being as vague in my poems as was beneficial in my lyrics. Thanks for the honest feedback.
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