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Home » High Critique » Contents of my Heart

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
5/31/2010 1:59:39 PM

Thomas Brown
Posts: 1
Nothing matters when I see you
From the moment I find you
All the drama hides from you

You are my guiding light
my seeing sight
You take away the pain
that is black as night

We make a plan and it goes to hell
only to make a funny story to tell
about how we wanted to have fun
but loved how we fell

Three meetings
Three dates
All the times in between
where I stand to wait

I enjoy what has started
I think about it every time we've parted
With nothing but memories
and a kiss that leaves me wanting

The seed is planted
growing more and more each time we part
I hope you feel the same art

Because this is what is in my heart.
edited by sol20051 on 5/31/2010
edited by sol20051 on 5/31/2010
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6/3/2010 7:22:30 AM

Spade Sincuna
Posts: 28
Nothing else matters when I see you
^ without inserting "else", you make it sound as if it also does not matter when you see "her"

First stanza is corny. And very plain; like a preteen wrote it.

Same with the second stanza. The first two lines were identical, "black as night" is a very rusty simile.

3rd stanza hurts to read. Honestly, it is lower than amateur.

I wont criticize further...

You have to take time when you write, and not just write what pops in your head. Almost every line here was done out of the purpose of rhyming without much content. The figures of speech you used (if any) were very bad. This is more like a corny lyric to a mediocre pop song.

Sorry but you need to read more before you can improve your writing.
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