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For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
5/30/2010 6:29:22 AM

Oscar Mascarenhas
Posts: 2
Stranded on crossroads
of two worlds at war,
Yet you say the
end is not close,
Surrounded by angels
and demons alike,
I know not my
friends or my foes,
Shielding myself from
the sparks of thy blades,
Dreading but awaiting
the Fall.

Its grown so cold
within me,
Its grown so cold
I cant breathe,
Its grown so cold
Memories
are all thats left.
Its grown so cold
in and out,
Its grown so cold
I cant shout,
Its grown so cold
My Blood
is turning ice.

Light obstructed
engulfed in the dark,
Now broken my faith
once was whole,
Beseeching the life
that was promised to me,
When day turned to night
as foretold,
Trying so hard
to resist all my fears,
But into the abyss
I Fall.

Its grown so cold
within me,
Its grown so cold
I cant breathe,
Its grown so cold
Memories
are all thats left.
Its grown so cold
in and out,
Its grown so cold
I cant shout,
Its grown so cold
My Blood
Is turning ice.

This is a *song* which i penned.
edited by Oscar Mascarenhas on 7/3/2010
edited by Oscar Mascarenhas on 7/3/2010
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6/21/2010 10:55:50 AM

James Marion
Posts: 10
I will start by saying that the status quo for lyrics are far lower than that of classical poetry. A good song does not a good poem make, and vice versa. As much as I love "Pokerface", it probably wouldn't be a great poem. You seem to take advantage of this disparity in quality as much as you can.



General:

Given the fast that these are lyrics, in your own words, I can't help but notice the lack of rhyme in the verses. The chorus may be able to get away with it due to the repetition (more on that), but rhyme is of particular importance in a lyric. In the same vein, The rhythm of your piece is odd. The lines in the first verse, for example, have a 10-8-11-8-10-8 syllable count, which could I suppose be stuffed into a song, but the emphasis is inconsistent. Some lines are iambic where other are seemingly random. In poetry, specifically lyric, rhythm is of the utmost importance.




Specific:

The first line, "Stranded...war", is a mess of symbolism. It sounds very much like something that *should* be in a poem, but doesn't make much sense aside. If you find yourself tremendously attached to this imagery, whatever it may be, remember at least that "on" should be "at".

Since you have chosen not to rhyme consistently, "close" is a strangely pedestrian word to end the second line with. "Near" would make far more sense, despite the fact that it doesn't save the line from being cliche.

The imagery of "demons and angels" and "friends or my foes" is terribly overused. Try your best to come up with dichotomy that is unique and makes the reader think in a way he hasn't before.

Why is Fall capitalized? It seems as though you do it simply to draw attention to the word. There are a number of ways to do this, none of which include capitalization. If the poem carries the weight you want it to, "fall" should have power all on its own.

In your chorus, you seem to be saying that's it had grown cold. You must remember though, that since you're reusing that line, it's going to lose it's power quickly. In essence, what you have written is this: "Within me, I can't breathe. Memories are all that's left. In and out, I can't shout. My blood is turning to ice."

First, watch your grammar. It may seem a pedestrian comment, but remembering things such as "memories" being plural and therefore requiring "are" instead of "is" (in "that's") is important. In addition, never contract, especially when the syllabic count of the poem does not seem to matter.

Watch cliche. It is very easy to write what you *think* sounds poetic instead of what *is* poetry.

The way a poet separates their thoughts with punctuation is very important. You don't use any periods in your piece, instead using commas to clarify your thoughts. However, as one example of where this fails you, you have the full though "Now broken my faith was once whole." This is neither a correct sentence, or a sensible one. What are you trying to say? Consider it.

The different lines in this second verse seem to be entirely disconnected. "My faith was once whole, beseeching life, day turned to night as foretold." These seem like random lines of poetic-sounding description used to fill a space between two recitations of the chorus, and don't say much to the reader. Again, consider what you are trying to say.




Thanks,

James
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7/1/2010 8:31:12 AM

Catie Lindsey
Posts: 77
Why not this.... please note the punctuation.

Stranded on crossroads
of two worlds at war,
Yet you say the
end is not close.
Surrounded by angels
and demons alike,
I know not my
friends or my foes.
Shielding myself from
the sparks of thy blades, (thy?)
dreading, but awaiting
the Fall.

It's grown so cold
within me,
It's grown so cold,
I can't breathe.
I'ts grown so cold,
memories,
are all tha'ts left.
It's grown so cold
in and out,
It's grown so cold
I can't shout,
It's grown so cold
My blood
is turning ice.

Light obstructed,
engulfed in the dark,
now broken, my faith
once was whole.
Beseeching the life
that was promised to me,
when day turned to night,
as foretold.
Trying so hard
to resist all my fears,
into the abyss
I Fall.

It's grown so cold
within me,
It's grown so cold
I cant breathe.
I'ts grown so cold,
memories,
are all that's left.
It's grown so cold
in and out,
It's grown so cold
I cant shout.
It's grown so cold,
My blood
Is turning ice.


That's how I see it. Hope this has been helpful. Catie
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7/3/2010 12:09:28 AM

Oscar Mascarenhas
Posts: 2
@ james, thank you for the comment. I hold it in high regards,
I did not write this as a poem but a song, and I totally agree with you that not all songs are good poems and mine is definetly not a good poem,
I was wrong to call it a lyric
Now considering it to be a song and not a poem, could you please comment on it.
thank you


@ catie, thank you for your mark on my punctuations, im bad at it.....
but im trying to improve....
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