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Home » High Critique » What hopes

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
3/15/2012 3:55:10 PM

ann onymous
Posts: 1
what hopes
what dreams
lie left of the pieces
burned in a fire
and buried under an icy coat of snow?
what hopes
what dreams
are left in the human heart
as the blood pours to the ground?
what hopes
what dreams
persist in the soul
as it crumbles in the hands of another?
out of some joy
some dark joy
lies the death of hopes and dreams
stoked into a thousand embers of fiery tears
what hopes
what dreams
lie left as their charred remains are thrown into an icy grave?
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3/27/2012 6:55:01 AM

Kara McLain
Posts: 7
the fact that it is in one stanza makes it seem as if it is in a rush. i like it but if you want it to read slower i suggest separating into more stanzas
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4/24/2012 7:44:57 PM

George Cavitt
Posts: 3
I really enjoyed this. The use of description was well done. Perhaps my favorite part was lines 16 and 17. They created a wonderfully haunting imagery. However, I think lines 14 and 15 could be tweaked so that the poem flows better. Also, and this is a minor critique, sometimes I felt you added unneeded articles, which impeded the poem's rhythm. Overall, good job!
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5/10/2012 8:22:57 AM

Nathan D.
Posts: 7
i think your trying to hard to be poetic which leaves a taint of insecerity to the idea and thought you first had
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5/12/2012 4:40:22 PM

Victoria Rose
Posts: 3
I really think this poem has potential, you just need to give it a little TLC. I think the grammar is a little confusing, when you say "what hopes, what dreams lie left of the pieces burned in a fire and burned under an icy coat of snow" maybe you could play around with it, something alone the lines of "what hopes, what dreams are left to lie, as pieces burned in a fire, buried under an icy coat of snow" if you are trying to ask what "hopes and dreams" are left behind as part of the fire. If in fact that is not what you are trying to say, I would just suggest changing your wording so that the line "left OF the pieces" makes a little more sense. Also, I agree with KaiJai, that you need to revise the format of your stanzas. Not necessarily because it sounds "rushed" but just so that it is a little more put together. Poems always read differently in your head then to someone else, so you have to kind of play with formatting so that the reader experiences the same rhythm you do when you read it to yourself. Punctuation is your friend, use it to your advantage. Commas and semicolons are really helpful in making a good rythym. For example, you could use colons here "what hopes, what dreams, lie left in the pieces burned in a fire, buried under an icy coat of snow?" and again at "what hopes, what dreams, persist inside the soul as it crumbles in the hands of another?" Redudance is good in poetry too, but it's a tricky balance to achieve... I think the word "some" is not a good word to use twice especially so close together because it is not a powerful or meaningful word. You could take out the first one and just say "And out of joy, some dark joy, lies the death of hopes and dreams; stoked into a thousand embers of fiery tears." I really like the tie between 'a thousand embers' and 'fiery tears'. And bring the last sentence together as you would have throughout the poem "what hopes, what dreams lie left; as their charred remains are thrown away, buried in an icy grave?" I hope you don't think I'm trying to re-write your poem haha, I actually really dig it overall and think it's a foundation for a great poem. Keep working on it until you are 100% satisfied. Hope all the CONSTRUCTIVE criticism you receive from everyone on here is helpful, and Good Luck
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