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Home » High Critique » Rosella's romantic poem

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
1/26/2012 9:18:47 AM

Rosella Wee
Posts: 4
I'm one sort of person who is showing poems online, I like everyone to tell what they think as I write a lot, and now I seriously like to hear what they thought of poem I post. Please read below:

Love in first sight
Hypnotizing eyes left me pondering,
gazing through my soul and leave my mind wondering.
Unknowingly he blinks in my thoughts,
stranger's gaze caught me felt lost
in words I fail to weave, and hopelessly I found to search his soul-

I could not leave my eyes off beautiful gaze.
In thought I demand answer why he first vividly amaze
me to think is it love in first sight?
Why those special eyes let me thought of him in night?
Instead I look above at the moon

when it shines on the train mirror,
his gaze reminisce in my mind as he's nearer;
It speak of goodness with his sight of electrifying eyes,
I mentally thought to ask do noticing me here!
This is not only just love, an undying crush,

his unwavering eyes are still and I watch in wonder.
But the dust of crust hurt my opened eyes over,
when he stood afar in deepest train he took seat,
until he left, at that moment it jolts when un-numb my feet
but he left the train... and so do I.
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1/30/2012 3:55:25 PM

Jim Brewer
Posts: 1
Terribly confusing with sentences which appear to have missing words. I read it twice and felt the poem was rambling at best, a mish-mash of words that had no focus, no re-write; felt like a rushed poem that the poet should have set aside and then re-read with the intent to make it better and erase every word not needed.
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