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Home » High Critique » Unsure about things? What do you think?

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
12/10/2011 9:02:59 AM

John-Ovan.P. Hull
Posts: 5
I like the way I see the world, but im not sure im expressing myself to my full potential, certain bits seem a little elementary? Not sure the syllables match(or if it matters?)




So many tears, I have cried,

since hearing news you had died,

all day long, my cheeks not dried,

to say goodbye, i truly tried.




Now I sense you everywhere,

the wind that courses through my hair,

all around, I know your there,

on rainy days and weather fair.




I gaze upon my favourite star,

and wonder if...that's where you are?

distance between us, seems so far,

wish I had a cosmic car.




Memories of you, I clasp so tight,

cried to sleep, too tired to fight,




broken rest, but that's alright...

for in my dreams we meet each night!
edited by John-Ovan.P.Hull on 12/10/2011
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12/10/2011 7:34:01 PM

Andrew Pierce
Posts: 3
I feel it's almost there. Expressions in this are kind of novel, however, they show great potential. You seem to show great promise in being clever. I can tell the you yourself have made sense of the emotions you feel, or at least you appear to have. Just work on putting these emotions on the paper. And in such a poem, the syllables don't matter. Overall, I feel you have so much potential as a poet, just keep writing.
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