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Home » High Critique » Wishing for brute honesty(with a little fluff?)

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
12/7/2011 6:53:14 PM

Andrew Pierce
Posts: 3
Tell me what you think:

Forlornly are wedding bells here chiming
Within ears of this lonely man, forsaken
By fate, who now sits and writes words, rhyming
To find solace from his mistress, taken.
A girl whose eyes would glare with such greatness
Beauty's standard would drop when she would blink
Her hands so soft, her touch was like a kiss
Her raw beauty, strangely, rising at wink.
No longer will she call my lot her love
For she has wandered from what was our home
Yes, far from my cage has flown my sweet dove
She has left me waiting, crying, alone
They say: if you love her, let her go free
Yet they know not the joy she brought to me
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12/13/2011 7:46:43 AM

Catie Lindsey
Posts: 77
Forlornly, wedding bells are chiming,
forsaken ears of a lonely man.
by fate, who sits with words rhyming,
seeking solace from a mistress taken.
The girl's eyes glare with greatness,
Beauty's standard drops when she blinks,
hands so soft, her touch,like a kiss;
raw beauty, strangely, rising at wink.
No longer will she call my lot her love,
she has wandered from our home,
far from my cage, has flown the sweet dove,
She left me waiting, crying, alone in love.
They say, "if you love her, let her go free,"
Yet they know not the joy, she brought to me.

What do you think of it now? Oh well, I tried! Happy Holidays! Catie
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2/6/2012 6:19:22 AM

Karen Deeks
Posts: 2
Hello, I'm no expert but love real reviews.
I can understand why you started with forlornly but I found (and all my opinions are just as I see things.) I just found myself stuttering at the start.Girl with eyes that glare (lovely).
would drop when she would blink... Maybe (beauty's standards dropped as she blinked) the only other word j avoid like the plague normally replacing with a comma or( as)
Is like, it just seems weak and unnecessary to me...
Other than that an enjoyable gentle read which actually stands for much. Thanks Karen
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