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Home » High Critique » PIN CUSHION

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6/18/2011 7:31:51 PM

aimie wagner
Posts: 1
This poem is about heroin addiction. I watched so many of my childhood friends start using it and lose verything. Some of them are gone...spiritually, mentally, and physically. Some of them now walk the streets...(selling anything and everything) to get their next "high". Some of them are DEAD!!! And, you can't come back from that!! Whaaaaa?

This poem is dedicated to all of those we have lost in VEIN..

PIN CUSHION

Prick after prick...
I start to bleed...
This poison dart...
Is what I need...

This poison concoction...
That helps me hang on...
Makes me feel good...
Like nothing is wrong...

As it enters my body...
And enters my veins...
It makes me feel well...
And kills all the pain...

Euphoria follows...
Then I start to float...
Everything'sl warm...
Like I'm wearing a coat...

It makes me feel happy...
And fuzzy inside...
I can't live without it...
Believe me, I've tried...

I can not control it...
I'm under its spell...
It's like I'm in prison...
All alone, in a cell...

If I don't have it...
It feels like I'll die...
I'm a slave to the needle...
I love getting high...

But, what goes up...
Must come down...
This bliss doesn't last...
So, don't mess around...

Many have died...
Chasing the dream...
Heroin addiction...
Is worse that it seems...


copyright2011jaynesumner
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6/23/2011 4:42:17 PM

Paula Swanson
Posts: 22
Very poignant!! Well done. The concise thoughts are neatly laid out. You could easily get by without the use of the ...... at the end of each line. It gives the impression that the thoughts are linked as one. When in reality, each of your lines stand alone, with strength. You could do the poem like this:



Prick after prick

I start to bleed

This poison dart

is what I need




This poison concoction

that helps me hang on

Makes me feel good

like nothing is wrong




By not using punctuation at all. It gives a punch. Just use capitols and lower case letters to lead the line on.




Or use punctuation....like this:




Prick after prick,

I start to bleed.

This poison dart,

is what I need




This poison concoction,

that helps me hang on,

makes me feel good.

Like nothing is wrong.







Just remember, when it comes to punctuation, including the use of ...... to much, can hurt the flow. Such as comma's. They give a pause or breath. But overuse, can kill the flow.




Keep writing. You have a strong skill for imagery.




Paula
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8/11/2011 9:53:42 PM


Posts:
I agree with what Paula said. I was expecting some lame ass poem on crocheting and instead its this hardcore heroin poem...nice.
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8/25/2011 9:26:45 PM

Loretta Bailey
Posts: 2
I really love this poem, it's amazing and such subtle yet vivid descriptions. Congratulations, keep up the good work Aimie x
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9/4/2011 11:59:18 PM

Keith Baker
Posts: 18
Love, love, love "This poison dart". Get rid of the "..." like the others said. Change "And fuzzy inside" to something darker sounding, I went from thinking about the seriousness of heroin addiction to picturing kittens on the internet. "As it enters my body, and enters my veins" all I can think is "What do you mean enters your veins? You just said it was in your body where was it in-between lines?" I'd change that to something like "As it enters my body, and swims through my veins" except not an Uncle Kracker rip off word like "swims". All in all a great poem with a lot of good ideas.
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