Submit Your Poems
Get Your Premium Membership

See and share Beautiful Nature Photos and amazing photos of interesting places


Poetry Forum

Home » High Critique » Pay To Breathe

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
5/16/2010 1:46:45 PM

Michael Benkhen
Posts: 40
Pay to breathe
Pay to breathe
wrapped in greed
you cannot see
the meaning of life
before your eyes
stillness captured in your lies
worth a dime
pockets dry
you do a crime
you do the time
then you pay to breathe?
Or you die?



- Not sure about this one...
  Anything I can improve on?

--
The land is littered with the graves of animals I never killed yet somehow mourn.
permalink • reply with quote
5/17/2010 8:38:59 AM

Catie Lindsey
Posts: 77
okay, I would just change a few little things, here is my suggestion:

You pay to breathe,
you pay to breathe
when you're wrapped in greed
you cannot see
the meaning of life
right before your eyes,
when stillness is captured in your lies
they're worth a dime.
Your pockets are dry.
you do a crime
you do the time
when you pay to breathe,
Or you die.

All in all, it is a very nice poem, but to me it just read a little choppy, so I tried to add some words to smooth it out? Catie
permalink • reply with quote
5/17/2010 11:12:04 AM

Michael Benkhen
Posts: 40
Ummm yeah but it kills the symbolism and I had it set to a specific flow.

And when you change the words, it changes what the poem means...this poem had a message.

Maybe if you understood the message...you wouldn't have chosen those words.

--
The land is littered with the graves of animals I never killed yet somehow mourn.
permalink • reply with quote
5/17/2010 11:22:48 AM

Michael Benkhen
Posts: 40
Pay to breathe
Pay to breathe
Your wrapped in greed you cannot see
the meaning of life
before your eyes
The stillness captured in your lies
Is worth a dime
With pockets dry
You do a crime
You do the time
but still the rest of us pay to breathe
Or die


- How's that? Better?

--
The land is littered with the graves of animals I never killed yet somehow mourn.
permalink • reply with quote
5/17/2010 11:52:54 AM

Catie Lindsey
Posts: 77
I do like it better this time.
permalink • reply with quote
5/17/2010 1:42:38 PM

Michael Benkhen
Posts: 40
Still not perfect though?

--
The land is littered with the graves of animals I never killed yet somehow mourn.
permalink • reply with quote
5/17/2010 5:00:23 PM

Margaret Foster
Posts: 6
HI. I liked the racy flow of your first post with only one small change. here's my take. cheers Margaret



Pay to breathe
Pay to breathe
wrapped in greed you cannot see
the meaning of life
before your eyes
stillness captured in your lies
Is worth a dime
With pockets dry
You do a crime
You do the time
you pay to breathe... or you die
permalink • reply with quote
5/17/2010 5:34:26 PM

Michael Benkhen
Posts: 40
Yeah I like those changes...I might use them. Thanks!!

--
The land is littered with the graves of animals I never killed yet somehow mourn.
permalink • reply with quote
5/17/2010 10:01:42 PM

Margaret Foster
Posts: 6
Hi again Micheal. glad you thought the small change helped.
your original line




you do a crime
you do the time
then you pay to breathe?--Possoble' then pay to breathe' or 'you pay to breath'
Or you die?





cheers Margaret
permalink • reply with quote
5/18/2010 8:39:16 AM

Michael Benkhen
Posts: 40
Yeah but I originally meant it as a question...I was expressing rage...

--
The land is littered with the graves of animals I never killed yet somehow mourn.
permalink • reply with quote

Home » High Critique » Pay To Breathe





Powered by AspNetForum 6.6.0.0 © 2006-2010 Jitbit Software