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Home » High Critique » sasquatch

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
5/23/2011 1:15:45 PM

Chris D. Aechtner
Posts: 47
Ok, this poem is in the critique section and I always feel leary about critiquing other poets, especially since I am an amateur. The one main issue that stood out for me right away, was how you have a comma after every line(except for ones with periods of course). The lines are all fairly short, so I don't think that commas are needed everywhere. See, I notice a section where you actually don't have a comma after each line: "in the dreams/of the sleeping god-" For instance, the lines right after, could have the commas taken out and read like, "on the frayed end of an evolutionary rope ladder....but hey, maybe you are specifically looking for the pause effect of a comma, so I am simply barking up the wrong tree. Overall, I most enjoyed the premise here. Found it very intriguing.
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5/23/2011 1:40:54 PM

Chris D. Aechtner
Posts: 47
I just thought of something. I used to write a lot of poems with short sentences, because of the way they can barrel down the page at a nice speed and 'beat'. I went through stages were I used too many commas, or hardly any at all. I still need to find a good balance. Wot I did sometimes, was to take a poem written in short sentences, and rewrote it using long ones instead, to see how it truly read( I know, I know, I am crazy Big Grin). If I try this with your poem above, I come out with something like this:

a shadow, in a photo, in a magazine.
a thread in the meta-theme.
(reality is a curiously quilted thing)
spun from, umbilical, and arcane, skeins-
spooled and fuzzing, in the dreams of the sleeping god-
on the frayed end of, an evolutionary, rope ladder,

Now for me(only me....this is your poem and your own internal dialogue), there are sections that definitely have too many pauses caused by commas.
This could be more for old-school readers who have been hypnotized and conditioned to use a comma in poetry as a 'breath'.
edited by DeLicht on 5/23/2011
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5/23/2011 9:23:08 PM

Chris D. Aechtner
Posts: 47
Daniel, you made some great points regarding cadence. See, then your commas are intended in such a way that I figured. The problem is with a certain audience of reader. Your idea about something like guitar tablature is excellent. I wish I wasn't so ignorant about the whole poetry thing. Many of my own poems are created in my mind to music, but when transcribed onto paper/computer, some of the lyrical effects and desire is lost. I have used large spacing, and some readers having given me feedback that this effect worked for them, versus having a lot of commas and other punctuation. Anyway, now you have me thinking about things all over again, which is kinda cool. Thanks.
edited by DeLicht on 5/23/2011
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5/24/2011 10:46:41 PM

Earle Brown
Posts: 3
Edited version:

A shadow
in a photo,
in a magazine;
a thread in the meta-theme.
Reality is a curiously quilted thing
spun from
spooled and fuzzing
in the dreams
of the sleeping god-
on the frayed end of
an evolutionary
rope ladder.
A biped
refusing to put on a tie,
like peppermints
on the pillows of imagination,
like some mysterious
making bed
time stories.
The fairy tale told
by a hair in my salad.
I believe in you
as I do
kitchen staffs.

There are way too many commas; for the unintellectual reader it is hard to find the rhetorical purpose of the write.
edited by Change on 5/24/2011
edited by Change on 5/24/2011
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5/26/2011 1:42:13 PM

Earle Brown
Posts: 3
I love the write; it is captivating and unique. I was talking about the commas.
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