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Home » High Critique » Old Man

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
4/21/2011 6:47:42 PM

Kevin Watmough
Posts: 3
An unsociable, ill bred, unrefined man.
And his captious, callous, long-suffering, old spirit.
Cadaverous and frail amidst the morning walk of thier land.
Wheezing from the years of cylinder embers burnt in hand.


His quivering digits, gesturing openly to his coat pocket.
As he stops to gaze and take in, the wide open grand.
He pulls out a letter, kept in form by a dark green signet.
And now slowly he begins to unroll the leaflet.



Replaced by the paper now, are the open fields.
His hazel brown eyes, entranced by the letter held so dear.
Its now captured him, as a poem hes revealed,
and his face remarks a wound unhealed.



Brother, have i done wrong?
Am i supposed to feel strong?
Your pendulum stopped by my own hands.
Brother have i done wrong?
Am i supposed to feel strong?
For now im alone, to wander these lands.
Brother, have i done wrong?



The brightness of the grand now lyes on the mans eyes.
Clouded, blurry, teard up sky, a floating feeling of lost goodbyes.
Now tendered from emotion, there he stood.
To live in the day his brother died.

edited by Kevin Watmough on 4/27/2011
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4/26/2011 9:54:02 AM

Black Eyed Susan
Posts: 2
"bother" died or brother died? Maybe breaking it up into stanzas would help readability. I don't like the continuous questions - maybe just one or two? I'm also not sure - is he getting a letter telling him his brother is dead? Because I'm confused when you say "your pendulum stpped by my own hands." That implies the old man's involvement. And one more thing, I think you should end your poem with the line that ends with "goodbyes." Just my 2 cents.
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4/27/2011 12:56:43 PM

Kevin Watmough
Posts: 3
The letter is a poem the old man had written, after he ended his brothers life. And on marking the anniversary of his brothers death the old man reads the poem, and once again he has to relive the tragedy of taking the life of his brother.
I hope that clears some of the confusion you have about my poem. Thanks for the reply, it is much appreciated.
edited by Kevin Watmough on 4/27/2011
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