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Home » High Critique » When Wars End

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
5/14/2010 3:27:01 PM

Mac McGovern
Posts: 9
When wars end,
celebration defines,
disfigurement is its blind eye.

I have no feet, I need no shoes.
I have no hands, I need no gloves.
No legs, no need to walk.
No arms, I long for hugs.
What is left, sits in a chair all day.
At night, I turn in great pain.
Some say I am lucky to be alive.
I disagree,
It is throught the grace of God
I survived.

I am a testament of how
precious is life.
An American Veteran,
not crippled, alive.

When wars end,
celebration defines,
disfigurement is its blind eye.

--
Mo matter what you write, someone will love it.
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5/17/2010 8:53:43 AM

Catie Lindsey
Posts: 77
This is an awesome poem. I can only make subtle suggestions, Mac. What about this:

When wars end,
celebration defines,
disfigurement is its blind eye.

I have no feet, I need no shoes.
I have no hands, I need no gloves.
No legs, no need to walk.
No arms, I long for hugs.
What is left sits in a chair all day.
At night I turn in great pain.
Some say I am lucky to be alive.
I disagree.
It is through the grace of God
I survived.

I am a testament of how
precious is life.
An American Veteran,
not crippled;
Alive!

When wars end,
celebration defines,
disfigurement is its blind eye.

All I did was remove a couple of commas, correct one misspelled word, Capitalize 'Alive' and added an exclamation point for emphasis. Either way, it is a very nice, tender, and true to life, poem. Catie
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5/17/2010 9:15:27 AM

Michael Benkhen
Posts: 40
They only need you so long as they can use you...like an empty bottle of water they'll throw you a way.
the living fight on
the dead get honored
the injured get forgotten.
- I cannot say I am not outraged for the treatment of soldiers.
  That they have rights. The important reason why people shouldn't throw their lives away recklessly just so someone can profit from your death.
If a soldier dies their death doesn't improve my living situation at home.
In fact I'll barely hear of it.
But I'll be damned if some politician doesn't ride that soldier's corpse to political victory, it is sick and disgraceful and happens all the time.
all the while an injured veteran sits there in a wheel chair, barely living off the few benefits he has.
He fought just as hard as the next guy...
Where's his parade??
edited by Apocapus on 5/17/2010

--
The land is littered with the graves of animals I never killed yet somehow mourn.
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5/18/2010 8:43:40 AM

frank herrera
Posts: 44
Apocapus wrote:
They only need you so long as they can use you...like an empty bottle of water they'll throw you a way.
the living fight on
the dead get honored
the injured get forgotten.
- I cannot say I am not outraged for the treatment of soldiers.
That they have rights. The important reason why people shouldn't throw their lives away recklessly just so someone can profit from your death.
If a soldier dies their death doesn't improve my living situation at home.
In fact I'll barely hear of it.
But I'll be damned if some politician doesn't ride that soldier's corpse to political victory, it is sick and disgraceful and happens all the time.
all the while an injured veteran sits there in a wheel chair, barely living off the few benefits he has.
He fought just as hard as the next guy...
Where's his parade??
edited by Apocapus on 5/17/2010
permalink • reply with quote
5/18/2010 8:44:17 AM

frank herrera
Posts: 44
Apocapus wrote:
They only need you so long as they can use you...like an empty bottle of water they'll throw you a way.
the living fight on
the dead get honored
the injured get forgotten.
- I cannot say I am not outraged for the treatment of soldiers.
That they have rights. The important reason why people shouldn't throw their lives away recklessly just so someone can profit from your death.
If a soldier dies their death doesn't improve my living situation at home.
In fact I'll barely hear of it.
But I'll be damned if some politician doesn't ride that soldier's corpse to political victory, it is sick and disgraceful and happens all the time.
all the while an injured veteran sits there in a wheel chair, barely living off the few benefits he has.
He fought just as hard as the next guy...
Where's his parade??
edited by Apocapus on 5/17/2010
permalink • reply with quote
5/18/2010 8:45:08 AM

frank herrera
Posts: 44
doofus wrote:
Apocapus wrote:
They only need you so long as they can use you...like an empty bottle of water they'll throw you a way.
the living fight on
the dead get honored
the injured get forgotten.
- I cannot say I am not outraged for the treatment of soldiers.
That they have rights. The important reason why people shouldn't throw their lives away recklessly just so someone can profit from your death.
If a soldier dies their death doesn't improve my living situation at home.
In fact I'll barely hear of it.
But I'll be damned if some politician doesn't ride that soldier's corpse to political victory, it is sick and disgraceful and happens all the time.
all the while an injured veteran sits there in a wheel chair, barely living off the few benefits he has.
He fought just as hard as the next guy...
Where's his parade??
edited by Apocapus on 5/17/2010
permalink • reply with quote
5/18/2010 8:47:52 AM

frank herrera
Posts: 44
The draft is gone . If you enlist it is at your own Peril. Why die or end up mutilated for a Politician or Big Oil?
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5/18/2010 8:50:42 AM

frank herrera
Posts: 44
When Gang members kill each other, The Govt. Prosecutes; yet they join at their own Peril. Why commit murder for a Politician or Big Oil?
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5/18/2010 8:53:53 AM

frank herrera
Posts: 44
My beautiful Friend died for nothing in a far away place called VietNam. He was one amongst 58000 Who died for naught in a Civil war that was none of our business.
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5/18/2010 10:28:55 AM

Michael Benkhen
Posts: 40
Why did you call me a doofus and then write everything I basically said...do you agree with doofuses often? 

Vietnam is being replayed...Every time a soldier enlists...it's being replayed. Yes the draft is gone but you fail to realize the ultimate blackmail.

With so many jobs going overseas and the rising prices of college and all the attacks on civil liberties.

Most kids have no choice but to go to the Military, it's the only way they can get paid. Yes politicians and Corporate interests keep the wars going, Wars that don't really have to exist...I think we're making it worse. I think we're making more terrorists for every one we kill.
Rural Farmers in Afghanistan who are basically clueless and have no real idea why the U.S is in their country are being invaded by troops and having their relatives killed. I saw this one speak and he was saying that his brother was killed and all young boys in his family..."and the U.S lying if they call him and his family terrorists because all we do is farm." That's a quote. 
So...yeah...thousands are still dying in a civil war that's none of our business.

But you shouldn't blame all the kids that join...Most come from really poor families.
Maybe we should look at an economic climate and all the military recruiters that fill these kid's heads with false bravado without explaining the risks. What are military recruiters doing in our schools??
edited by Apocapus on 5/18/2010
edited by Apocapus on 5/18/2010
edited by Apocapus on 5/18/2010

--
The land is littered with the graves of animals I never killed yet somehow mourn.
permalink • reply with quote
5/20/2010 7:11:24 PM

Mac McGovern
Posts: 9
Thanks Catie I appreciate your valuable suggestions.

Mac



Catie wrote:
This is an awesome poem. I can only make subtle suggestions, Mac. What about this:

When wars end,
celebration defines,
disfigurement is its blind eye.

I have no feet, I need no shoes.
I have no hands, I need no gloves.
No legs, no need to walk.
No arms, I long for hugs.
What is left sits in a chair all day.
At night I turn in great pain.
Some say I am lucky to be alive.
I disagree.
It is through the grace of God
I survived.

I am a testament of how
precious is life.
An American Veteran,
not crippled;
Alive!

When wars end,
celebration defines,
disfigurement is its blind eye.

All I did was remove a couple of commas, correct one misspelled word, Capitalize 'Alive' and added an exclamation point for emphasis. Either way, it is a very nice, tender, and true to life, poem. Catie


--
Mo matter what you write, someone will love it.
permalink • reply with quote
5/20/2010 7:32:31 PM

Mac McGovern
Posts: 9
Michael,
I appreciate your opinion. However, before you make statements about who serves, please state your references. I would love to see them. I served 20 years and wonder why you believe we had no choice, we are from very poor families, are so inept we believe everything we are told, and cannot make intelligent decisions. I guess in your eyes, we are the dregs of society and have no opportunities in life. Maybe a little research rather than personal opinion would provide more accurate analysis.

Mac


Apocapus wrote:
Why did you call me a doofus and then write everything I basically said...do you agree with doofuses often?

Vietnam is being replayed...Every time a soldier enlists...it's being replayed. Yes the draft is gone but you fail to realize the ultimate blackmail.

With so many jobs going overseas and the rising prices of college and all the attacks on civil liberties.

Most kids have no choice but to go to the Military, it's the only way they can get paid. Yes politicians and Corporate interests keep the wars going, Wars that don't really have to exist...I think we're making it worse. I think we're making more terrorists for every one we kill.
Rural Farmers in Afghanistan who are basically clueless and have no real idea why the U.S is in their country are being invaded by troops and having their relatives killed. I saw this one speak and he was saying that his brother was killed and all young boys in his family..."and the U.S lying if they call him and his family terrorists because all we do is farm." That's a quote.
So...yeah...thousands are still dying in a civil war that's none of our business.

But you shouldn't blame all the kids that join...Most come from really poor families.
Maybe we should look at an economic climate and all the military recruiters that fill these kid's heads with false bravado without explaining the risks. What are military recruiters doing in our schools??
edited by Apocapus on 5/18/2010
edited by Apocapus on 5/18/2010
edited by Apocapus on 5/18/2010


--
Mo matter what you write, someone will love it.
permalink • reply with quote
5/20/2010 8:57:19 PM

Michael Benkhen
Posts: 40
Sir, I meant no disrespect. I was simply stating my opinion. I'm barely surviving...so I wouldn't say I was insulting my own class. I Was stating a fact.
When was the last time one of those politicians kids put their lives on the line for this country.
It's easy to think the poorer class is being exploited.

If your willing to watch a video...you'll see

--
The land is littered with the graves of animals I never killed yet somehow mourn.
permalink • reply with quote
5/20/2010 9:19:10 PM

Spade Sincuna
Posts: 28
Strong poem. Wouldn't really change much, maybe just reorder some words...

"I am a testament of how
precious life is."

I really liked the first two lines of this poem, and how you reflected the message back at the end. Always a good technique, but if you feel the need to improve it further (although it already works as it is), you can also choose another technique which is similar but adds more suspense...

by adding a line or two at the end of the stanza:

"When wars end,
celebration defines,
[insert a strong line here]
disfigurement is its blind eye."

This kind of style is done to add more suspense for the ending. You started really powerful and tried to maintain that rate up at the end. But the reader wasn't left with the amount of suspense as what your starting stanza did. If you add one strong line just before your final line (or you can even change the last line but maintain the rhythm) - because the bitterness of tone wasn't there anymore and you were about to end the piece with the narrator's chin facing up -, it could shake the reader and make your poem more powerful.

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5/21/2010 2:20:45 PM

Mac McGovern
Posts: 9
Michael,
I appologize, I may have been a little harsh. Your statements I took as an attack. Probably because I was a poor kid from a family of 10. I was in the draft in 1969, i joined the Navy for opportuniy, I served through 5 conflicts, I was successful because of the training I received, I retired at the age of 45.

I was a Corpsman. I was trained to work independant of other medical staff. I have been the only medical provider for over 350 men at sea on a Guided Missel Destroyer. I was the Director of 2 major technical training schools at the same time, I was the Cardiopulmonary Technologist to President Regan, I worte and implemented the Competency Based Instruction System Program now the standard for all technical training in the service, I was the first Master Training Specialist in the Navy, I received a BS in Human Resource Management, I atteneded numerous management and leadership programs, I learned to be self sufficent while at the same time maintaining team work, I presented papers at 2 Cardiopulmonary National Conferences, I gave lectures and presentations on at least 100 college/university campuses discussing Navy opportunities in Medicine. When I retired, I started or became a partner in three companies in home improment and roofing. All three were highly successful allowing me to retire comfortably at age 58.

None of this would have been possible if not for joining the military. My story is the norm for those who take advantage of the opportunities. Nobody joins the military blindly. We know we may have to fight and possibly lose our life. The belief is, if you join the military, you will have to fight . The reality is, since WWII only 30-40% will ever see battle. The manpower required to support our forces in the field is far in excess of who we send into harms way.

The military is not for everyone. We are a reflection of you. We have the same dreams, but we choose a different route to success than yours. We are well educated and once we decide our time of serving is over, we become leaders of business and industry bring much needed experience into the work force.

Most of the people I served with have been lifelong friends. Many are Doctors, Nurses, Dentists, Medical Technologist, Pilots, Nuclear Power Managers, Ship Drivers, Information Systems Operators, you name the field the Navy trained them to be the best in each. We did not start out this way, it is how we ended up.

Again Michael, I appologize for spouting off. I hope I have been able to give you a more positive aspect of what and why we serve.

Mac



Apocapus wrote:
Sir, I meant no disrespect. I was simply stating my opinion. I'm barely surviving...so I wouldn't say I was insulting my own class. I Was stating a fact.
When was the last time one of those politicians kids put their lives on the line for this country.
It's easy to think the poorer class is being exploited.

If your willing to watch a video...you'll see


--
Mo matter what you write, someone will love it.
permalink • reply with quote
5/21/2010 3:35:01 PM

Michael Benkhen
Posts: 40
Ummm I understand...a lot of great writers and scholars whose work I appreciate...wouldn't have had their college degree without the GI act...but GI act was repealed...Which means a lot of U.S troops can't attend college on a government scholarship anymore.

So theres another thing I'm peeved about.

I think that every person has rights...and time and time again...It seems like few people believe that, especially within the upper classes.

--
The land is littered with the graves of animals I never killed yet somehow mourn.
permalink • reply with quote
5/22/2010 2:17:39 PM

Mac McGovern
Posts: 9
Thanks Spade, I appreciate your wonderful suggestions and welcome your input anytime.

Mac


auz wrote:
Strong poem. Wouldn't really change much, maybe just reorder some words...

"I am a testament of how
precious life is."

I really liked the first two lines of this poem, and how you reflected the message back at the end. Always a good technique, but if you feel the need to improve it further (although it already works as it is), you can also choose another technique which is similar but adds more suspense...

by adding a line or two at the end of the stanza:

"When wars end,
celebration defines,
[insert a strong line here]
disfigurement is its blind eye."

This kind of style is done to add more suspense for the ending. You started really powerful and tried to maintain that rate up at the end. But the reader wasn't left with the amount of suspense as what your starting stanza did. If you add one strong line just before your final line (or you can even change the last line but maintain the rhythm) - because the bitterness of tone wasn't there anymore and you were about to end the piece with the narrator's chin facing up -, it could shake the reader and make your poem more powerful.



--
Mo matter what you write, someone will love it.
permalink • reply with quote

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