Submit Your Poems
Get Your Premium Membership

See and share Beautiful Nature Photos and amazing photos of interesting places


Poetry Forum

Home » High Critique » Of Kings and Crowns

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
5/11/2010 11:47:15 PM

Timothy Yeager
Posts: 2
Curse this man's ambition,
Cut'em down, cut'em down.
Let us cleanse with our incisions
This delirium he's found.

Sorry Caesar, time to die,
Seems your reach has breached the sky,
And your head is far too large to wear the crown.

Was it pride that took your life?
Even Brutus lent his loyal knife.
Or was it jealousy about the town?

Middle march in Rome is sweet,
But greener grasses breed deceit.
And it's hard to find your foes when friends abound.

Curse this man's religion,
Nail'em down, nail'em down.
And the millions who have listened
To his sermon on the mount.

Sorry Jesus, but to reign
As god on earth would be insane,
So we offer you instead this thorny crown.

Were you not the savior they had sought?
Did life conflict with what you taught?
Or was it politics that brought you down?

You preached of peace in promised lands,
Then murdered by the mob's demands.
And to this day your message can't be found.

Curse this man's intention,
Shoot'em down, shoot'em down,
He will pay for his dissention,
And for spreading it around.

Sorry Martin, but your dream
Will disrupt our old regime.
Only we can have the right to wear the crown.

Was it just a man who killed the king?
A troubled soul who did this thing?
Or was it that our hate was so profound.

That even in the world anew,
We favor those who share our hue.
And to our own beliefs we're tightly bound.
permalink • reply with quote
5/12/2010 8:00:05 AM

Catie Lindsey
Posts: 77
There is only one issue I have regarding your poem, this particular stanza is confusing to me,

You preached of peace in promised lands,
Then murdered by the mob's demands.
And to this day your message can't be found.

The second line almost sounds like Jesus turned into a murderer, perhaps it might read easier if it said something like

They murdered you by the mob's demands,

and the third line maybe could be something telling that his message still goes unheard. The rest of the poem is very awesome, I especially like the refrain. Welcome to poetry soup! I look forward to reading more of your poetry. Catie
permalink • reply with quote
5/12/2010 9:23:51 AM

Patty Lane
Posts: 5
Catie,
I think the line " then murdered by the mobs demands" is referring to "Jesus" being murdered as the mob did seem to demand is death. No doubt the mob was peppered with "agreeable" folk to facilitate Jesus's death. But then, unless the author jumps in here ... we may never know!
However I did like the poem!
hugs, Patty
permalink • reply with quote
5/12/2010 1:22:22 PM

Timothy Yeager
Posts: 2
Thank you Catie and Patty for taking the time to comment. You're right Catie. Grammatically it seems to indicate that Jesus turned into a murderer. The line was arranged this way to fit the rhythm. I think most will understand that I meant that he was murdered by the mob's demands. The original line was:
You preached of peace in promised lands,
Then perished at (by) the people's hands,
And to this day your message can't be found.

I changed the line because I thought it could be slighted as somewhat anti-semetic. The 'people' in the promised land were mostly Jews and that line seemed to place blame on the whole of the nation and not a misinformed, biased, and bloodthirsty mob which could arise at any place, any time, and in any circumstance.
permalink • reply with quote

Home » High Critique » Of Kings and Crowns





Powered by AspNetForum 6.6.0.0 © 2006-2010 Jitbit Software