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1/12/2011 11:50:22 PM

Dustin Mulligan
Posts: 5
Hello, I am new to poetry, I have no formal training or what the **** ever. I just write what I feel, and this is what came out. This is about depression. (I know a cliche topic, but who can't relate?) I just want to know if other people think this is as good as I feel it is. Please be honest. Thanks for taking a minute to take a peek into my mind. It's called Storm in my Head (taken from a lyric of a fairly unknown, yet beautiful supertramp song "A soapbox opera")



Storm in my Head

Looking out the window is a waste of time,
for I can feel the wind blowing right against my mind.
But why can’t you feel the wind on your cheek?
Because my mind is lost, and my will is weak.
It’s a beautiful day and the autumn leaves fall,
but it doesn’t really matter, because it’s storming in myskull.
And why is it that you’re afraid of the weather?
Because inside my head, it’s never getting better.
But what if the rain decides to never stop pouring?
Then the rest of my life will be unhappy and boring.
What if the wind decides to never stop blowing?
Then my mind will continue to keep itself from growing.
But the storm won’t stop, and now it’s raging!
And I’m fading, and the ground is dry, and I can’tunderstand why.
My God, what’s happening to me?
I can’t hear my thoughts, and I can’t feel myself,
but I can still taste the blood in my mouth,
and that reminds me, I’m still just human.

--
Tongue-tied and twisted, just an earthbound misfit, I
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1/14/2011 12:53:17 AM

Dustin Mulligan
Posts: 5
bump

--
Tongue-tied and twisted, just an earthbound misfit, I
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1/15/2011 3:45:17 PM

Joe Flach
Posts: 15
Dustin, although not quite written this way, you sort of have a couplet going here with paired rhymes until the last four lines of the poem. Seems to break pattern - maybe that's what you intend, but it felt a bit off to me. Your rhyme goes: time/mind - cheek/weak - fall/skull (a stretch here) - weather/better - pouring/boring - growing/raging - dry/why (although you don't break the line) - then four lines with no rhyme. Again, perhaps that's by design - perhaps once you start asking "what's happening to me", you intentionally go out of rhyme to signify an awakening of sorts, but, to me, it reads like you just couldn't figure a rhyming scheme to end with.

I too, am an untrained poet, so take my input for what it's worth, just another ametuer with an opinion. Good luck with your poetry. Keep at it!!!
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