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Home » High Critique » A Blue Boy's Death Wish

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
9/24/2013 11:16:03 AM

Alexander Schwartz
Posts: 11
A fragile mind breaks

Wake upon the rock laden shores

A muffled heart begs to echo

Whispers lost among a velvet chamber




Dusk comes premature time and again

Dropping the curtain on an optimistic sunrise

If you never witness dawn

There is no tomorrow




Always the dreamer aches

Never awake to make real what he desires

The restless corpse walks blind

Dead ends seem fitting for one of the kind




Lost in the labyrinth of strangling vines

Love is the motive and the weapon

Taking root in throats dry from weeping

Sprouts of amnesia in place of smiles

A garden called heartbreak holds onlookers captive

The comfort takes hold, sets in the bones weary of searching

A plea for rest lands on deaf ears




The hollow boy tires of himself

The last request he will ever make

"End me"

Lost and tired

He wishes to be weak no more

--
AlexanderMichael<3
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9/25/2013 8:15:11 AM

Just That Archaic Poet
Posts: 89
Admittedly, I am not a fan of free-verse style poetry, nor am I qualified to accurately critique its merits or value, but I am choosing to leave a reply because, despite my lack of authority on the matter, I had a positive and favorable reaction to this piece. I don't feign an understanding of what comprises "good" free-verse from its counterpart, but I do like this piece, and I think it is well-written. I felt your wording and emotion were strong, in addition to the imagery you painted in my brain. The only line I really didn't understand is: "Taking root in throats dry from weeping". I can understand "eyes dry from weeping", or something along that line, but "throats" doesn't seem to fit for me; it gave me a "Hmmmmmm? Huh; what?" moment as I was reading. Other than that, I can't find any problems with your piece or anything else I would suggest to change, but there are others here who could prove more helpful as they are more well-versed in this format. "Rhyme" is my forte, so perhaps I should refrain from critiquing formats with which I am largely ignorant. But, in conclusion, I would like to say that despite my bias, I liked this poem, and I also like your moniker. Sorry if I wasn't much help; couldn't find much "wrong" with your poem
edited by JustLivingLies on 9/25/2013
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9/25/2013 11:46:35 AM

Just That Archaic Poet
Posts: 89
Did you change your nom de plume? I really liked your "Words_Are_Weapons alias
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9/25/2013 12:03:43 PM

Alexander Schwartz
Posts: 11
Honestly Idk why it changed, I never touched it lol

--
AlexanderMichael<3
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