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For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
5/7/2010 10:24:25 AM

Catie Lindsey
Posts: 77
I crawl on your skin between the sting
and the caress, Oh, Glorious Love,
you have taught me the value of trust.
Not to be given carelessly
but held to my breast
where it may suckle,
A son-less mother.
Trust, you're a whoring lie.

Oh laugh, Moon, laugh!
You will be expelled like a bastard son
being popped out of some street urchin.
The sun has paled, white now, impatient
with it's own, devoid of rays.
Opaque, without bronze or ruby rays,
white-washed as high noon on a humid day.

Who do you seek to claim!?
I cannot be claimed, owned,
or even loved, and have exhausted
my concern over the tricks of fate.
The past lies dead like ashen leaves
becoming mulch on a moldy autumn trail
that has overgrown
and no longer leads anywhere fruitful.

To the dying!
To the dying!
To the dying of a day!

Yet, I crawl through the layers
of your saggy skin,
between the sting and the caress,
just one moment before
the caress fades to day.
edited by Catie on 5/7/2010
edited by Catie on 5/7/2010
edited by Catie on 5/7/2010
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5/7/2010 8:00:17 PM

Michael Benkhen
Posts: 40
I cannot find any flaws with this.
Though I am saddened by your heart's pain.

--
The land is littered with the graves of animals I never killed yet somehow mourn.
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5/8/2010 7:56:16 AM

Catie Lindsey
Posts: 77
no pain, Michael, just imagination.
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5/8/2010 10:31:07 AM

Michael Benkhen
Posts: 40
Oh well Imagination is lovely...and you have plenty.

--
The land is littered with the graves of animals I never killed yet somehow mourn.
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5/8/2010 12:29:13 PM

Catie Lindsey
Posts: 77
Thanks Michael!
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5/8/2010 1:47:21 PM

Matt Caliri
Posts: 4
"Popped," in "popped out of a street urchin" feels am little off-center from the imagery...just really hard a imagine the "popness" connotation towards a baby coming out of the naturally slow process of labor.

Also, I think if you took out "Now white" between "paled" and "impatient" in the next line about the sun, you'd the poem good. Whatever you can take out, if its able to add a sort of powerful mystery (not to mention pace and brevity) in its omission, the better. And in the case of "paled" nd "now white" is just simple repetition...something we all fall into.

Reading and re-reading it, honestly if I found this drifted to shore somehow and hand a handy red pen, and then cut out the first 4 lines of the 3rd stanza (start with "the past lies dead"), skip the dying heraldic section (feels a little self-glorifying...trust me, I fall into this feverish proclaiming in my own writing, then look backon it, and with 20/20 it feel deeply extraneous), take out that first "yet" and go straigh into "I crawl through the layers..." and that final stanza is just fine...man...I'd love to see it then!

Cuz, y'know, I could always be wrong...but the best thing you can ever do to poem-in-progress inj tighten, tighten tighten, and make trails, as many trails as you can that get you either to the core of the poem, or very near it.
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5/9/2010 7:25:18 AM

Catie Lindsey
Posts: 77
Hi matt, I have considered your suggestions, my use of adverbs often puts some people off, yet... I worked hard on this one to get it exactly as I wanted it to be. This poem should be read with an attitude, a touch of anger with a huge air of indifference, as if saying, "I don't give a hoot!" In that light, the street urchin popping out babies works. Child birth is not always long for some women, sometimes it is as fast as popping out. Isn't mother nature a wonderful thing! Thank you for your welcome comments. The truth is, I do, and will continue to make changes when I agree with the suggestions, but I think I like this one just the way it is. Catie
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9/8/2010 10:00:31 AM

Catie Lindsey
Posts: 77
any more comments?
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9/8/2010 7:13:27 PM

John Taylor
Posts: 6
I just have a couple little suggestions. Well, one is just a common mistake (I probably wouldn't have caught it if I didn't just have someone else catch it in one of mine): in the fifth line of the second stanza you should do away with the apostrophe in the "it's". Apart from that, I think you could trade the period after "...the value of trust" for a dash or colon. Not that it's needed, I just think it could help the flow of the tone (after reading your response to Morepancakes's critique). Finally, I would change the second comma in "Oh laugh, Moon, laugh!" to another exclamation point, or better yet a dash. I think it would add to the feeling of frustration you're conveying by repeating the command in the first place. In the interest of writing a fully useful critique, I feel like I should let you know the kinds of things you did in this piece that really worked for me as well, so here goes: The main thing I enjoyed was the equal/opposite relationship of vocab and tone between the first and last stanzas. It gave me a feeling of time passed, journey traveled, and lessons learned; and of closure. This is a kind of silly one, but I like that you capitalized "Moon". On top of that, I enjoyed the overall tone. I hope these thoughts help.
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9/15/2010 6:45:22 PM

Catie Lindsey
Posts: 77
Thank you, John, for your suggestions. Catie
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