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For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
6/21/2010 7:51:22 AM

James Marion
Posts: 10
Twenty seconds time

Is the time that it takes me

To update Facebook







Twenty minutes time

I could have written poems

Instead, arguments




In twenty days time

To Russia, China and back

But no, mostly naps




In twenty more months

I might go study abroad

I’m safer back home




It’s been twenty years

I thought by now I’d be rich

I’m working at it




Twenty more years gone

I thought I’d be married now

Go figure, I’m sick




They say twenty months

But two years if I’m lucky

Hardly long enough




Twenty day respite

Then awful physicians

Unfortunately




Twenty minutes pass

And I forget the last five

But I still take naps




Count back from twenty

I should update my status

My eyes are drowsy
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6/21/2010 10:53:53 PM

Aleh Barysau
Posts: 9
The word “naps”are repeated two times, it is too much for such a short story. I would substitute the line I’m safer back home for  But no, mostly naps,  like this:


In twenty days time
To Russia, China  
I’m safer back home
 
In twenty more months
I might go study abroad
But no, mostly naps


Lines /Twenty days respite/Then awful physicians/Unfortunately/are not very clear. Nothing for it but to guess it is about work.  It lacks for punctuation. I foresee your objection that this is a stream of consciousness. Anyway, with missing marks it looks cropped. 


The message,as I understood, is


Time going sure forward: 20 sec – 20 min – 20 (Oh!) hrs missed– 20 days – 20 months – 20 yrs – and … and it goes backward: 20 yrs – 20 months– 20 days – 20 hrs missed again – 20 min – 20 sec and a world-weary man between times, the time devouring the man, and then belching him.
There is the idea of renewal, in other words, possibility to have a chance to start all over again.


The poem is rather raw. I gained the impression that it has been versified in a hurry and has been done anyway. There is only a lame try to find a new form for an old substance. 



Thank you,


Oleg
edited by Oleg on 6/21/2010
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6/22/2010 7:02:49 AM

James Marion
Posts: 10
As haiku, I cannot change the lines as you have suggested. Consider reading a description of 'haiku'. The terseness and word real-estate are foundations of the form of poetry.
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6/22/2010 9:02:55 AM

Aleh Barysau
Posts: 9
Of course, I guessed, reading the poem, that it had been written in that form, and I was greatly surprised by such innovation. As I know that traditional HAIKU is divided into 3 lines. They have a 5-7-5 syllable pattern and answer the questions according to a particular  WHERE–WHAT–WHEN sequence. A good haiku in 3 lines can compete, as to the richness of its content, even with a 30 line poem, as yours,which is bigger tenfold. Your tercets can disturb the traditional preference of a WHERE-WHAT-WHEN pattern. And your lines in each tercet yields to haiku both in meaning and form. That is what I meant.
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7/1/2010 8:11:51 AM

Catie Lindsey
Posts: 77
I thought your progression of time was quite clever! It was clear to me that this had really nothing to do with work, but in life passing so quickly. I loved the ending also. I thought this was quite nice just the way it is. Catie
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