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6/19/2010 12:05:41 PM
Friendship - such a fragile thing of which we all yearn to get hold
Like a wine glass, eloquence of status and acceptability
Yet, often we over-indulge on this wine, drunk on exploitation
Control rests within our hands, but one slip up and glass is broken
Squeeze too hard and the glass shatters, grip too loosely and it falls
And all that’s left is broken glass at your feet, unable to piece back together
Often times, when you break that glass, you try to sweep up the pieces
Cradling it in bloody hands, making your skin sting
Desperately you try to mop up this mess, but all you’ve accomplished are shard-pierced fingers
Forever scarred when you tried to mend a friendship beyond disrepair
Visible to any and all around you
A painful reminder of how fragile a friendship really is
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6/20/2010 9:24:48 PM
You want to use the least amount of words to say the most you possibly can. A good example would the use of "squeeze" and "grip" in the same line.
In general, especially when the syllabic count of each line doesn't matter, there is no excuse to contract. (It's)
Embrace the period. In a free form poem like this, it is not unusual for authors to forget about them completely. However, there are clear sentences in here; make them clearer.
"of which" muddied up the first line; consider rewriting it in a more concise way.
"Like" similes are often intrusive; in the second line, simply saying "a wine glass" would make friendship a more powerful metaphor.
"Over-indulge" is redundant. Also, wine does not need to be repeated, necessarily.
"Within" could be in, "slip up" should be hyphenated. However, given the verbose writing style, "slip-up" seems a little colloquial for this poem.
Learn the power of the semi-colon, especially for juxtaposition.
Watch your tense and word choice - "All that is left is broken glass" and "unable to piece back together" seem very strange together.
"Scarred" also messes with the perception of tense.
Watch your use of comma; it could be used far more effectively in many parts of this piece. For example, "Visible to any and all around you" implies the sentence "visual to all around you", which makes the sentence redundant; however, I believe what you intended to say is "Visual to any, and all around you", continuing onto the next line.
"Shard-pierced fingers" doesn't make sense in light of "mopping up the mess". What are you doing? Are you "sweeping" (line 7), "mopping" (line 9), or "cradling" (line 8)?
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