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For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
5/7/2010 6:51:19 AM

Charlotte Aitken
Posts: 10
Underneath the watchful sky
Lies the stealthy, fickle spy;
Hidden eyes that we forget
Setting in stone what we regret.

Unravelling webs of our deciet,
No secret can we truely keep.
That little voice within your ear
Makes consciousness a thing to fear.

Unforgiving of hearts desires
And never fooled by crafty liars;
A witness to our deepest shame,
Pointing out what's ours to blame.

Underpinned by the pursuing lens;
Inside and out, it never ends.
And no respite can be found alone,
Surveillance even invades our home.

Unconscious devices shape our path,
Yet we never have the final laugh.
The joke's on us, but we're the last to see,
That freedom really isn't for free.
edited by charl_hotter on 5/10/2010
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5/7/2010 7:59:09 AM

Joe Flach
Posts: 15
Okay Charlotte, let's give this a try in the spirit intended. First, my disclaimer, I am not a professional, I am not a teacher, I am not trained in poetry, literature or english. I am just a layman poet with a point of view that can be taken or left behind - you choose.
I think this poem is terrific. I only have two minor suggestions that, as I read it, I think helps with the meter. Both suggestions are in the first stanza.

In the second line, I might consider replacing the comma (,) with the word "yet" or "and". I think, if I counted right, that this results in the 1st and 3rd line having the same number of syllables and the 2nd and 4th line having the same number. The beat of the pause caused by the comma, I think is better served with a word.

In the fourth line, I would consider changing the words "That sets" to "Setting" - same beat; just easier to read - in my humble opinion.

So there you have it. Two minor suggestions for a well written poem. The rest of it read well to me. I hope that wasn't too painful. Good luck with your poetry. Joe
edited by jflach on 5/7/2010
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5/7/2010 10:07:09 AM

Corinne Curcio
Posts: 3
Hi Charlotte
You have superfluous words that break up the meter. You started out well with the first verse, but then words such as "but" and "yet" and even "the"are not needed in places, and removing them will make the poem flow better.

Also watch spelling - truly, deceit.
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5/7/2010 8:55:35 PM

Margaret Foster
Posts: 6
HI Charlotte, Before anything else may I say ditto to Joe's disclaimer. This is a purely personal take on your poem which I loved reading.
Verse 1-line 4- read- 'set in stone' making the line 7 syllables as in first 3 lines.

Verse 3-line 4- change 'what's' to what is. bringing it up to 8 syllables as in the other 3 lines.

Verse 5-line 3- read-'but we're last to see,' dropping the "the" again to match syllable count.

Verse 4- line 2- is a syllable short, a possible suggestion is 'inside and outside'

I hope this is helpful , but remember the poetry is yours and you must be happy with the results. warm regards Margaret
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5/8/2010 5:57:23 AM

Laura Spears
Posts: 2
I liked it. I don't have any critique really except for always make sure spelling is correct. I disagree with the post about changing set in stone simply because the common phrase is "set in stone" and the meter is the same either way. The only thing is the grammar. Are the "eyes" or the "spy" doing the setting. If it is the "eyes", you shoud change to set.
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5/10/2010 2:48:19 AM

Charlotte Aitken
Posts: 10
Thank you guys for all your comments, it's really good to get some feedback. I'm going to print off these comments and work on it while I'm on holiday. THANK YOU!!!!!
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5/10/2010 8:41:08 AM

Catie Lindsey
Posts: 77
Very nice poem again! I think that the last line would read a little more smoothly if you take out the word 'for.' I hope you have a wonderful holiday! Catie
edited by Catie on 5/10/2010
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