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Home » High Critique » Pollux & Castor

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
6/17/2010 6:41:41 PM

Daniel Corcoran
Posts: 28
this is a really good poem but to be honest a lot of people don't use the forums and even less are prepared to comment on poems
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6/20/2010 9:44:28 PM

James Marion
Posts: 10
General:
You do a good job of rhyming with subtlety. Your syllable count, however, seems quite a bit forced. There are a number of times where it seems like you haphazardly dropped words simply to fit in some sort of rhythmic structure. A good example is "Let it be expectation of a fairy tale."

On that point, there are a good number of lines in this poem that seem like "things I think should be in poem regardless of if they make sense." Some examples: "a feast of green", "reigns with yellow colors", "Dragon deep blue".





Specific:


I like the first line.

Encountered what? The way it is written, especially with a period before and after, this line doesn't say anything. It could be written "Encounter two lonely wanderers on the way."

"Somewhere"? Gemini is an actual constellation, with an actual location in the sky; "somewhere" cannot apply.

Also, it is unclear what "for a play" means. For a performance of some kind? For a time of frivolity? Choose a different word; do not let rhyming inhibit your ability to express a story.

Again, "feast of green" seems like a strange description of grass; don't use strange descriptions just to make a poem seem 'artsy'.

"Reigns" is a word that means to POSSESS a power of authority, which a scent of flowers, I would assume, does not do; in addition, you say that the scent possesses a power with yellow, and then you say you taste (that color's) nectar. This whole section is a jumble of description, and although you likely have the right idea, don't be afraid to drop certain descriptions to flesh-out others.

"Dragon deep blue" - first, dragons aren't real. If this is a fairy tale, this can be excepted, but nothing else in the piece suggests that it is and, in general, it's best if it isn't. Second, it is not a generally accepted that Dragons are blue, and the way this line is written, you are describing something as a "Dragon-blue", like a Dragon-blue paint swatch. Also, "with the sparkling scale" - if you're literally talking about a dragon, does it have a single scale?

"Snake of red" is another attempt to MAKE something sound poetic - don't do that. If something is poetic, it is; don't force it. Also, lust is classically associated with the color blue, just so you know. Red is anger, both of which are deadly sins.

"Let it be expectation of a fairy tale" - what does this mean? A word is missing, whether it's for syllable count or not.




I like the idea of a poem written as a letter (or vice versa). However, with the exception of the "Pollux, Castor" at the ends of the poem, there is very little here that suggests a letter.




You may have thought to yourself while reading my critique, "well, he simply doesn't understand my style of writing", or, "he lacks an appreciation of poetic writing or structure", and I assure you this isn't the case. There is a huge difference between "poetry" and "stuff that seems like poetry".




Thank you,

James
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7/1/2010 8:17:10 AM

Catie Lindsey
Posts: 77
This line, "A feast of green lies under feet of ours." has been manipulated to stand up to rhyme, and has lost it's natural flow, I think you could work on that. Also, when you say, "A scent of flowers reigns with yellow colours," it reads as if the 'scent' has the color yellow instead of the flower. Those are the only two things I think still needs a bit of work. This is a lovely poem, and I am sure it will be even lovelier if you can work on those areas mentioned. Catie
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7/1/2010 12:50:48 PM

Aleh Barysau
Posts: 9
You mean "under our feet" instead of "under feet of ours"?
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7/1/2010 2:08:21 PM

Catie Lindsey
Posts: 77
yeah, it just sounds to manipulated.
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7/2/2010 6:28:53 AM

Aleh Barysau
Posts: 9
it may be "a feast of greenery here lies below us", OK?
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7/2/2010 6:41:10 AM

Catie Lindsey
Posts: 77
I like that one, it adds imagery. Catie
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7/2/2010 11:13:23 AM

Aleh Barysau
Posts: 9
and what about the line "Around us stands the yellow world of flowers" instead of "A scent of flowers reigns with yellow colours"?
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7/6/2010 4:28:13 AM

Catie Lindsey
Posts: 77
I like it.
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